If Star Wars was set in essex
For the non locals in this class Essex is located just North-East of London.
It is what we like to refer to as a 'quality' area. Now on with the lesson.
Chewbacca would look roughly the same except he'd only be about 5ft tall,
from Basildon and called Spanner. He'd have the same amount of body hair but
would also have tattoos, would permanently smell of drink and invariably
sport either a West Ham or England top.
Obi-Wan Kenobi would invariably be referred to as Chief or Cocker by his
mates. People trying to start a fight with him would address him as Oi
****y-Nobby.
R2D2 would refuse to go out on the streets after 10pm because of the number
of drunks who would try to stuff chip papers in his head casing, or urinate
on him. He would also refuse to go near groups of young kids at any time
because of the high risk of being spray painted and/or dumped in front of a
speeding train and/or set on fire.
Darth Vader would be referred to as 'Elmit Head' or in moments of stress
'that dome-edded c**t'.
Although proficient in over 3500 languages C3P0 would still be unable to
understand anything anyone from Essex said. He would regularly get beaten
up for being a knacker-faced poof from Rayleigh.
The Millennium Falcon would have static strips, tinted windscreens and
extra-flared exhaust ports. It would have a TOT2000 (local Nightclub) sticker in the back
window and a St. George's Cross SUN SUPPORTS OUR BOYS bumper sticker.
Princess Leia would get captured by Darth Vader because it's hard to run
very fast when you're wearing 5-inch platform heels and a tiny silver
mini-skirt which keeps hiking up over your arse every two steps. And you've
been a heavy smoker since you were 6.
The best way to destroy the Death Star would not necessarily be a desperate
all out attack. Two easy ways would be to alter its orbit so it passed
through Southend, tell the locals it was full of Northern ****ers and leave
it unattended in the Safeway car park. Or you could convert it into a huge
Takeaway.
Lines from the film as they would be now uttered in the Essex:-
Han Solo - 'I've got a real bad feeling about this'
Translation: '****, I'm c**t-faced. I think I should go home before I get
in a fight'
Han Solo - 'Bring 'em on! I prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking
around.'
Translation 'Come on you facking *******s, al 'ave the lot of yer'
Han Solo - 'Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good
blaster at your side, kid.'
Translation 'Bugger the mumbo - wot I needs is me baseball bat and several
facking sharp knifes'
Darth Vader trying to shoot down Luke Skywalker - 'The Force is strong in
this one'
Translation 'You're a facking hard ******* '
Princess Leia - 'This bucket of bolts is never going to get us past that
blockade.'
Translation 'We knackered in this Capri'
Admiral Motti - 'Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord
Vader.'
Translation 'You think you're that hard, you Northern Fat F#ck Face *******'
Luke to the Emperor -'Your overconfidence is your weakness.'
Translation 'You fink you're well 'ard dunch ya'
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