tolilet humor
HOW to sh*t like a man:
Select reading material.
Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?" Always
tell girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.
Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.
Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the
toilet rim.
Open reading material and relax.
Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.
Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to
experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the
first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.
Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your
legs and buttocks.
Rise and look at the crap. Make mental notes of irregularities to
report to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g. color, consistency, any
visible traces of peanuts etc. You must tell people about it.
Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the paper
before throwing it into the bowl.
Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of faeces on
the paper.
Flush. If there is any residue left on the bowl, under no
circumstances attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away
by itself. Or, when your girlfriend/wife next uses the toilet.
Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you can
use it again later).
Wash your hands once.
Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a
man's self-esteem that other people smell his produce.
.................................................. ........................
And of course: HOW to sh*t like a woman!
Under no circumstances use any other toilet than your own,
regardless of any stomach pain that may be caused whilst waiting to get
home.
With the toilet-brush, clean any residue left on the bowl by your
boyfriend/husband. Also wipe his pubic hair off the seat with some
toilet paper.
Flush the toilet before starting. Then wash your hands.
Line the toilet seat with toilet paper (as other people may have sat
on the toilet since it was last bleached).
Stuff toilet paper inside the bowl to prevent splash-back.
Pull panties down and sit. Some women may still prefer to squat over
the seat as opposed to taking the risk of touching it with bare flesh.
Release solids, but strain to avoid making any sounds.
Rise and quickly flush before direct eye-contact is made with any
feces.
Take a length of toilet paper and fold it several times to
positively guarantee that no residue will touch bare skin (about five or
six applications per roll).
Wipe once and throw paper into the bowl. Do not look at the paper.
Repeat steps 9 and 10 at least thirty times. It may be necessary to
yell for your boyfriend/husband to find some more rolls to pass through
the door while promising not to open his eyes or pass any comments. It
is traditional to do this while he is trying to watch sports.
Flush the toilet and replace the lid.
Wash hands at least three times with disinfectant soap.
Open all windows and spray approximately half-a-can of air
freshener.
Pick up all reading material left behind by your boyfriend/husband and
leave bathroom, closing the door firmly behind you.
***********The Novaload Member Formally known As Nova91***********
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, thats fucking ecellent cheers ick