icks jokes - moved forum
A father was explaining the facts of life to his teenage son. After
covering the basic biology, he moved on to the finer points of lovemaking:
Dad: One thing to keep in mind, son, is that different women say
different things during the sex act, even if you are doing the same thing.
Son: What do you mean, Dad?
Dad: Well, for example, their words will vary according to their
occupation. For example, a prostitute will tend to say, "Are you done
yet?" On the other hand, a nymphomaniac will ask, "Are you done already?"
Son: What do other women say?
Dad: Well, a schoolteacher will say, "We are going to do this over and
over again until you get it right!" A nurse will say, "This won't hurt
one bit."
Son: I thought they said, "Pull down your pants and bend over."
Dad: That's a male nurse. But let's move on, a bank teller will say,
"Substantial penalty for early withdrawal." A stewardess will say,
"Place this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally."
Son: And what does mother say?
Dad: She says, "Beige... beige... I think we should paint the ceiling
beige."
********************************
Jim and Ethel had started their retirement years and decided to raise some
extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their two- up two-down terrace
house.
After a few days an attractive young woman applies for the room and
explains
that she is a model working in a nearby studio downtown for a few weeks and
that she would like the room for Mondays thru Thursdays, but would pay for
the whole week. Ethel shows her the house and they agree to start straight
away.
"There's just one problem," explains the model. "Because of my job I have
to
have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."
"That's not a problem," replies Ethel, "we have a tin bath out in the yard
and we bring it in to the living room, in front of the fire, and fill it
with hot water."
"What about your husband?" asks the model.
"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he'll be out in the evenings,"
replies
Ethel.
"Good," says the model, "that's settled. I'll go to the studio and see you
tonight."
That evening Jim dutifully goes to his darts match whilst Ethel prepares
the
bath for the model. After stripping off the model steps into the bath and
Ethel is amazed to see that she has no pubic hair. The model notices
Ethel's
staring eyes, smiles and explains that it is part of her job to shave
herself especially when modeling swim wear or underclothes.
Later when Jim returns, Ethel relates this oddity and he does not believe
her. "It's true, I tell you," says Ethel. "Look, if you don't believe me,
tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in
and
see for yourself."
The next night Jim leaves as usual and Ethel prepares the bath for the
model. As the model steps naked into the bath, Ethel, standing behind her,
looks towards the curtains, and points towards the model's hairless crotch.
Then she lifts up her skirt and wearing no panties, points to her own hairy
mass.
Later Jim returns and they retire to bed. "Well do you believe me now?" she
asks Jim.
"Yes," he replies. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But, why
did you lift up your skirt and show yours too?
"Just to show you the difference," answers Ethel, "but anyway you've seen
me
with no knickers on thousands of times."
"Yes," says Jim, "I have...but the rest of the f*****g darts team haven't.
*************************************
Three Hells Angels are sitting at a table in a transport cafe when in walks
a nun, who takes a seat next to them and begins to eat.
Astonished, one of them say's, "I went to my parents wedding last week and
we all got rat-a**ed."
Being quick on the uptake, the second one says, "My dad says he will marry
my mum next year."
Despite this, the nun stays right where she is.
In desperation, the third one says, "My old man will never ever marry my
mum."
The nun looks up from her food and sweetly says, "Would one of you bastards
please pass the salt."
*************************************
This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend,
who tells him, "I know this midget with a speech impediment
who wants to buy a horse and I'm sending him over."
The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or
female horse.
"A female horth", the midget replies. So the owner shows him one.
"Nith looking horth, can I thee her mouf?" So the owners picks up the
midget and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nith mouf, Can I thee her
eyeth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's
eyes.
"Ok, what about the eerth?" Now the owner is getting p**sed, but he
picks up the midget one more time and shows him the ears.
"OK, finally, can I see her t**t?" With that, the owner picks up the
midget and shoves his head up the horse's vagina, then pulls him out.
Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I thould rephrathe that.
Can I thee her wun awownd?
*********************************
"The nerve endings, said St. Peter. "How many will I put in her hands?"
"How many did we put in Adam?", asked The Lord.
"Two hundred, O Mighty One", replied St. Peter.
"Then we shall do the same for this woman," said The Lord.
"How many nerve endings should we put in woman's genitals", inquired St.
Peter.
"How many did we put in Adam?", asked The Lord.
"Four hundred and twenty, O Mighty One", replied St. Peter.
"Of course, we did want Adam to have a means of receiving extra
pleasure in his life, didn't we? Do the same for woman", said The Lord.
"Yes, O Great Lord", said St. Peter.
"No, wait.", said The Lord. "Screw it, give her ten thousand,
....I want her to scream out my name!..."
***********************************
Doc, I have a problem. My girlfriend is sleeping over this
Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife
is coming home Sunday.
I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all."
The doctor says "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is
pretty dangerous for a man of your age".
"I will give them to you on the condition that you return to
my office on Monday so that I can check you out."
The man says "You have a deal Doc."
Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.
The doctor says "what happened"?
The man answered "nobody showed up"
final note :
no offence was ment to anyone !
***********The Novaload Member Formally known As Nova91***********
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