The dark arts dating back in some cases thousands of years are a fascinating, intrigueing and perhaps a little weird.
Of course there are dozens of dark arts, the worlds most famous being voodoo.
However, voodoo is not half as entertaining as the seat sniff.
History
Seat sniffing is believed to have first taken place in Edwardian times when it was seen as a great honour for a woman to have her seat sniffed by a man just after she stood up. These days the art is long forgotten by the masses while a chosen few are tought the art by a master of the Seat Sniffers School for Life Enhancement (SSSLE).
The Method
The method is obviously the part you have been waiting for... So often people beg and plead with me to teach them the correct way to sniff a seat... But if I answered everyone's plee I would never get anything done.
Firstly, and most importantly you must prepare your mind and heart. You should try to completley relax for an hour before the sniffing takes place. This creates a calm in your soul which helps prevent any embaressment if seen by others. During this hour you should also do some deep breathing (through the nose of course) to aid relaxation and clear the nostrils of debrit thus creating a clean flow when the sniffing takes place.
The actual sniff is the art like part... You should read this very carefully as this part is a little tricky.
First you should face the chair and gently tug simultaneously on each ear lobe twice before kneeling in front of the chair. Then you must perform a leg slapping and hand clapping ritual (this is in order to rid the chair of demons). To do this correctly you should, at a brisk pace, slap your legs once, clap your hands twice, slap you legs twice, clap twice, slap three times then clap once extra hard.
Once this is done you may proceed with the sniff... Lean forward slowly bowing your head toward the chair as you do so. You should ensure you exhale all the way down in order to guarentee that your lungs will be as empty as possible before the big intake of seating odours.
When your nose touces the seat in question stop... Inahle deeply but slowly.
When your lungs are full sit back up straight exhaling quickly as you do so... Try to make a HAH! Sound as you do to prevent any demons returning.
A slap of the thighs and a clap of the hands and then you are done.
Closing
Try to remember that seat sniffing can be hazardous and should not be attempted without great care being taken to ensure that the seat to be sniffed has been emptied of allpersons before sniffing commences.
Thankyou for taking the time to read my instructions.
HAPPY SNIFFING!!!
andrew.tunnicliffe@whitbread.com
ANDY@WISEWOOD.NET