i dont take pills
only coke
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i dont take pills
only coke
Even then it can take them years to actually get into gear and test for it. Like I said previously my 19 year old brother has that and autism, he loves setting things on fire and just being a general idiot which is the same as my 13 year old brother acts now and they wont test him despite it "running" in the family. The pills my brother has to take for it are horrible as well, they've made him horribly anorexic as it affects his eating and when he forgets to take his pills he's worse then usual.Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss Stig
I've read this in it's entirety with a view to replying and it's such a hard one to answer, let alone solve! Without knowing you or your son, or knowing the dynamic of your household I cannot offer any specific advice for you.
Strategies I would suggest are probably mentioned previously but I'll summarise my thoughts for you. Although I don't have any children yet, I'm an educational professional. I've worked in KS2, KS3 and KS4 with experience of Foundation stage and KS1 for the last 7 and a half years. I have managed a learning support unit and behavioural unit in a secondary school. I hope I'm not patronising you as you may already be doing these things!
My key factor in any argument is to diffuse the situation to enable a dialogue.
Keep your cool. Hard I know but you'll be less likely to shout and get angry. Take 10 seconds to stop, gather yourself and reply calmly - it'll feel a longer time than it is. Calm, level speech will knock the wind out of his sails after a while as he won't feel like his shouting is getting him anywhere.
Question him/his actions when he is wrong before you level any blame at his door. He won't give you answers straight away but you do it enough and he may come round to answer you and give you an inroad to opening a dialogue.
You are the adult and he is the child. Do not resort to tit for tat arguing, and keep only the cause of the argument in focus. If the argument does deviate. State clearly that this was not what he initially kicked off about. He can choose to go on either tangent but this will require him to consider what he is talking about and may help him to rationalise his argument.
Choice is a powerful tool - make him choose his behaviour as Kel stated.
Consistency is a must - agree with your partner what you both deem to be acceptable behaviour so you are both reading from the same page when sanctioning your lad.
Taking away consoles/TVs/internet access/mobiles is fine. Put them under lock and key - take them to a mates house do what you must to remove it for a specified time limit. If you say he'll have it back at a time (under certain behavioural conditions) then you have to uphold your end of the bargain. Don't give in early though. Take it away for too long though and you risk blow ups further down the line which may mean he never gets it back. Let him earn it back, it'll make him feel good.
Focus on the positive behaviour. Small, sustainable rewards for good behaviour are best rather than 'if you're good for a week you can have a PS3' sort of thing!
I'm not going to try and say anymore - see how you get on. If you want to PM me with any questions, feel free.
to many pages to read, but one thing to get him on the straight in narrow and teach him respect which very few sprogs have nowadays is get him to the local boxing club, he'll be taught respect,manners and most of the time if he's being a slight cnut at school or whatever this will be dealt with to, and its not by raising fists, the best part of your body for dealing with unruly kids is the bit between your nose and chin
i was just like this only reson is i was board .i had a computer and a massive tv and that to play it on i just dident have to abillity to sit for more than 5 minutes to play it before getting boared but when i started going to the gym i had a focus so i stuck at it kept me out the house and doing summit creative also i have a motor bike and air rifle i go out alot with witch keeps me out of trouble just have to respect the people i see when i am out some kids dont like being in doors and get really fed up may be this is the problem
thats just my 2 pence worth sorry about spelling and punctuation
i was just like this only reson is i was board .i had a computer and a massive tv and that to play it on i just dident have to abillity to sit for more than 5 minutes to play it before getting boared but when i started going to the gym i had a focus so i stuck at it kept me out the house and doing summit creative also i have a motor bike and air rifle i go out alot with witch keeps me out of trouble just have to respect the people i see when i am out some kids dont like being in doors and get really fed up may be this is the problem
thats just my 2 pence worth sorry about spelling and punctuation
Fair play.Quote:
Originally Posted by Ricky G
That's quite true.
The thing I hated when I was a kid was when my parents would tell me off for something or other, but not give me a reason WHY what I was doing was wrong. Always give reason, there's no argument with logical thinking.
He always knows exactly why he has been told off, grounded or lost priviledges.
Which is usually when his lying kicks in, his lies worry me and i think he could be quite dangerous if he wanted to be.
He says things that he imagines has happened, that we have done to him, quite scary really.
are you keeping a diary?? or tape recording his rants??
it would be fascinating to show to the grandparents, cos they are obviously undermining you at every opportunity.
Just remember children have the most amazing imaginations (sp).Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss Stig
when I was young I could dream up anything I wanted and try and make it real.
Just dont let him get out of control, as long as he knows you will do somthing about it if he does he will soon enough get the idea.:thumb:
you could put his food through a blender, then serve it on a plastic plate with a plastic spoon.....when he questions it, point out that as he is acting like a toddler, he will be treated like one.
They always have, i was on my own with them for 8 years, and every time i said no to something, he would just ride up to grans house and ask them....and voila!!...he got everything he asked for, eg...good report got him a fiver from me........a £100 electric scooter from them. 6 months later when it was destroyed, they replaced it.Quote:
Originally Posted by mowgli
They have always done this, i think to make up for their oxygen thief son who had done nothing for his kids.
However.........they spoiled their kids AND...still do, so say for example the kids were having a weekend visit, i would say " ok Thomas has been naughty and done this or that, i've told him no treats this weekend" but i am allowing him to come and see you, they would go against my wishes with the excuse of " well he wasn't naughty for us so we won't punish him for nothing".
So i had to threaten to stop visits, like i said earlier, the move 90 miles away was a good excuse to limit visits to Newcastle.
As for recording his out bursts i think i may start doing this, we have a child psychologist to see regarding his ADHD tests ( which i do not think it is, but is deffo something)
TBH i think it is in his genes...seriously his father was a compulsive liar, proper Walter Mitty character and very strange indeed.Quote:
Originally Posted by nova16vxe
Fair enough, hope the troubles dont take too long to sort!Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss Stig
Does he ever see his dad? At that age a boys father is still a big influence on his life, whether he is around or not. His attitude may stem from seeing his dad as role model, and trying to be like him, or perhaps rebelling against what he sees as you replacing his father.
If your relationship with your son has simply become that of shouting and telling off, you need to break out of that somehow. Do you do fun stuff together? perhaps just you and him? take him go-karting, to the cinema, even just play computer games with him at home? He should want to behave, not for a fear of being shouted at or smacked, but because if he upsets/dissapoints you, he gets none of your attention or time.
so the 'spoiling' grandparents are on his dad's side???Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss Stig
right, then if his dad has feck all to do with your son, they can too....
i imagine that they spend every waking hour filling your son with the bile & other assorted hatred they have for you...
my parents divorced when i was 12, and then proceeded to live about 150 yds from each other, and if my mum thought for any reason i'd been near my dad's house, i'd get 45 minutes of shyte on the subject...........
i didn't know what to believe & wasn't too happy about it.....
It is his dads parents yes, they pay him to spend time with his kids, this grates my liver, the fact my ex hubby is still alive and well when there are more deserving people waiting for his organs annoys the crap out of me.Quote:
Originally Posted by mowgli
I have always fought for him to spend time with his kids, usually through solicitors and it's like flogging a dead horse, i had to just admit defeat and realise that i cannot make him spend time with his kids.
Occasionally he will when his mother tells him to, but as ever work and girlfriends have always been more important.
He is now married, and his new wife has a 5 yr old boy, this does my head in as it must hurt my children no end.
My daughter didn't even want to go to his wedding, now when ever they return from gran and grandads and mention that "dad" was there i hate it, cos they never have anything nice to say about him and i wish he would just disappear.
He took them bowling on sunday, and his new wife spent the day telling them off for talking loud and being noisy as she had a headache, bearing in mind he has seen them maybe 3 times in the 4 months we have lived here.
The CSA have to threaten him with court action to get anything from him for me.
Oh rant over...sowwy..:)
^^^ don't you think your son just misses his dad ?
That could be the cause of it all
Either way I'd try and get it sorted, I was a terrible teenager and looking back if problems were sorted/discussed at the time I probably would have acted different
If he's acting like you have said I wouldn't give him ANY cash as he will be spending it on drink and weed probably for escapism
Which will lead to harder drugs, been there, got in a right state, but managed to pull out of it
sorry, but the thought of someone with a headache in a bowling alley is making me laugh..........
He probably does is a strange sort of way, he has not been in his life since he was 3 so has nothing to miss really, like i said though, his father simply can't be @rsed with him, he has been known to take time off to go to concerts, pub crawls, stag do's anything other than spend time with his kids.Quote:
Originally Posted by Edd
As a mother there is only so much i can do, then i have to draw the line as to how much i allow this person to hurt my kids, Chris has done more in 2 yrs than his father has done all his life for him.
Hangover is the word.............they both drink heavily friday- saturday whilst her son is at his grandparents.Quote:
Originally Posted by mowgli
Even though he wasn't in his life that long it's amazing what an impression can be left in that short time. I lived with my mum and dad until I was 5 and then for personal reasons I lived with my nan from 5-15. Even though I was still young and had only spent them few years with them and after everything that had happened I still missed my dad like crazy. I'm not quite sure why...but it was always there.Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss Stig
Is there anyway you can try appealing to your ex one last time and explain everything thats happening? Or maybe getting the grandparents to talk to him?
No i can't do it any more times Tanya, he really is not interested, i just get sh!tty comments like " your kids, you deal with it" or " you wanted a divorce so don't expect any help from me, he is very un cooperative, i did send him to live with his dad a couple years ago as i simply couldn't cope, he was there 6 months, and spent a lot of the time on the phone to me telling me how he hated it, his dad was always asleep on the sofa drunk or hungover and wouldn't cook him anything to eat.Quote:
Originally Posted by Tanya.
This was around the time he was getting married, they were taking Thomas and her son with them on honeymoon, but not Emily as she was not his responsibility, then child decided he hated it there getting no attention, not allowed to do anything and came home......guess what his father did? told him that he wasn't going on holiday with them because he wanted to come home to his mam.
I could sit here and tell you stories that would make your toes curl, but i'll not bore folk any more.
I know how horrible it is, obviously not from a parents point of view but from a child whos been in a similiar situation.Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss Stig
I really do hope you manage to get things resolved soon, for his sake as well as yours. I know what a horrible downward spiral it can send you on.
is his behaviour worse when he comes back from the grandparents?
my parents got devorced when i was 9 (my dad is an alcoholic) and every time we visited him, he filled oure heads with crap (youre mom's a whore/slut/wish she died/ praying for cancer etc etc).it even went so far that he told us to make up bad story's about mom to the child protection service, cause if we didnt, he'd take an overdose of pills and die, and if he died, it's oure fault (i was about 10/11 at the time)
offcourse his parents where on his side, and my sister and me used to be out of control when we got home from my dad/grandparents.
i havent had any contact with them since i was 12 (24 now) and if i see my dad, i will kick his head in.
@ Mayhem, his behaviour does change when he returns, but its not for those reasons, its mainly because he gets everything he wants, and they NEVER say no to him, silly stuff like fizzy pop and bags of E's that i do not allow at home, but they od on coke and haribo when they visit, it annoys me as it's me who has to peel him of the ceiling when he returns.