ny one got any good jokes

[tony k]

i will start it whats a ****zoo

[draper]

:wtf:

[tony k]

i will start it whats a ****zoo

a zoo with no animals in

[Dar]

Two potatoes walking down the road. One turns to the other and says, "So where do you live?". The other one responds, "I'm not telling you, you might come around and knick my washing."

Seems to be about the right standard of joke for this thread:p

[Dave.]

a sausage and a egg are in a frying pan, the sausage says so how are you? the egg says... sh*t!!! talking sausage

seems about right too

[Jack]

Horse walks into a bar, barman says "Get the fcuk out my bar"

[draper]

shouldnt we save these for when we're rather tipsy at PV lol

[Jack]

I'll be too busy preparing to race you up the strip :p

[Lee]

Paddy's walking down the road carrying his front door.

Murphy says 'Paddy, why are you carrying your front door?'

Paddy: Im going to get a key cut

Murphy: Hang on, if youve got your front door with you, how are you going to get back in the house?'

Paddy: Its OK, ive left a window open'

[BigStan]

lollollollollol

[tony k]

whats black and white and eats like a horse?
a zebra

im bored nothing to do

[Lee]

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.
He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.
He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."
"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal.It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door."
The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but finally surrendered to $738 in cash and an imitation Rolex. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."
He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Penis.
She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.
She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass!"

[Mike]

two blondes walk into a bra

[Mike]

LMFAO the Voodoo penis joke! Not heard that in ages!! lol lol lol

[dave.gsi]

two blondes walk into a bra

what happens lol

[Stuart]

Lee starts chatting to a girl....

[Dan 130]

two crisps going down the round a bloke pulls over and ask would you like a lift they reply no were walkers

[tony k]

i like that voodoo one my mate was telling me that before but mucked it up (drink ay)

[Dar]

How can you tell a blonde is having a bad day?
When she has a tampon behind her ear and can't find her pencil

[Mike]

How can you tell a blonde is having a bad day?
When she has a tampon behind her ear and can't find her pencil

LMFAO lol lol lol lol lol

[Dar]

What did the german clockmaker say to the clock that only went 'tick, tick, tick'?

'Ve haff vays of making you tock!'

[Riggy]

Horse walks into a bar, barman says "Get the fcuk out my bar"

bet that hurt lol

and pmsl @the vodoo penis and the ticking clock lol

[Dave.]

a chinese man walks into argos.... funny or what!!

[Dar]

WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!

What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?
The 1987 World Hide and Seek Champion.

[Mike]

a chinese man walks into argos.... funny or what!!

Dave, you are a comedy genius lol lol :wtf:

[Rickyb]

wots the differance between a saxo and a porcupine?




the pricks are on the outside of a porcupine.

[goldengraham]

^^^ lmfao!!!

[ELLIS GSI]

you cant beat c**p jokes!

[Gaz1300SR]

After Great Sex,my Tai Girlfriend Lies There Stroking My Penis.i Ask Do You Want More Sex?she Replies 'no,i'm Just Admiring Your Manhood Kos I Really Miss Mine!'

[Gaz1300SR]

Irishman Went For An Iq Test And Had To Put The Word Contageous Into A Sentence.'thats Easy' Said Paddy,i Asked My Mate To Dig A Hole And It Took The C**tages.

[Gaz1300SR]

female dwarf goes to her dr complaining of a sore f***y.Dr looks and says 'pass me those scissors.'After snipping away for a few mins he says 'is that better?'Dwarf says thats marvelous,what did you do?.Dr says 'i cut the top off your wellies.'

[Gaz1300SR]

A Blonde Phones The Firebrigade To Tell Them Her House Is On Fire! Fireman Asks 'how Do We Get There?'....she Replies'helloooooooooo!!!!!! In The Big Red Lorry!'

[CLEMMY1]

whats mary short for?


she's got no legs!

[Jim Mcrae]

what does a mexican put under his carpet?


Underlay, Underlay!

[NovaLad]

What's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute ...



A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

[NovaLad]

What do you get when you take ecstasy and birth control pills?



A trip without the kids.

[Stanley]

What do you call a black man flying a plane?

A pilot, you racist *******s haha

[Stanley]

" I was asked to do a 10 mile 'fun run'. I said "piss off". They said "come on its for spastics and blind kids". Then i though... **** it, i could win this!!

[Jim Mcrae]

" I was asked to do a 10 mile 'fun run'. I said "piss off". They said "come on its for spastics and blind kids". Then i though... **** it, i could win this!!

lol

[Jim Mcrae]

What did the blind, deaf and dumb kid get for christmas???






Bird flu

[Dave.]

what do you call a dinosaur playing hide and seek?
idonthinkhesawus

[NovaLad]

Hmm... ^^ okay then lol

[Stanley]

" Nan, have you seen my pills marked LSD??"
" Forget your pills, have you seen the red dragons in the kitchen??!"

[mowgli]

why did the mexican chuck his mother in law off a cliff?


Tequila