draper
09-05-06, 01:51 PM
A bloke walks into a bar and slips up on some dog ****. He walks up to the bar and orders a drink. Another bloke walks into the bar and he also slips up on the dog turd. He reaches the bar where the first man is who says "I did that". The second man replies "You dirty git".
4 Muslims have been found dead in Michael Barrymore's swimming pool. Security Forces have revealed they were suicide bummers......
Q: What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common? A: They can both smell it but can't eat it.
What's the difference between a police car and a porcupine?
A. Porcupines have pricks on the outside
Q. How do you get a one-armed hippie out of a tree?
A. Pass him a joint
This rabit is running along when he comes across a giraffe rolling a fat joint. He goes over to the Giraffe and says "You don't wanna do that, it's bad for you, why don't you come for a run with me?" "I suppose you're right", says the Giraffe, and they go off running together.
A short while later they come across a snake. The snake is making a line of coke and is just about to snort it when the rabbit says "You don't wanna do that, it's not good for you. Come for a run with me." The snake looks at the coke in front of him and agrees with him. So the three of them set off running (The snake is obviously not running but slithering next to them) After a while they come across a lion. The lionis hot-spooning heroin. The rabbit says "You definately don't want to do that. It's lowest of the low. Come running with us." At this point the lion jumps up and beats the **** out of the rabbit. The giraffe and snake are appaled by this attack, and ask him why the **** he did that. The lion replied, "Every time that **** is on Ecstacy he wants me to run with him!!!"
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also do a gramme of charlie a day, a spliff every night, a case of whiskey a week, eat junk food, and never exercise, and do pills on the weekend."
"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?'
"Twenty-six."
President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell
sitting over there?"
The barman says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III ". And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 20 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with really big tits.
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with really big tits?
Why kill a blonde with really big tits?
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder
and says, "See, smart ass?! I told you no one
would give a **** about the 20 million Iraqis!"
Q:How many Feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:That's not funny.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?
A: The refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out
Hired Help
A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, ''Who is this?''
''This is the maid,'' answers the woman.
''We don't have a maid,'' says the man.
The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.''
The man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?''
The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.''
The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?''
The maid says, ''What will I have to do?''
The man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.''
The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?''
The man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.''
Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.''
A long pause and the man says, ''Is this 567-5309?''
probably heard them all but i hadn't, and im bored !!!
4 Muslims have been found dead in Michael Barrymore's swimming pool. Security Forces have revealed they were suicide bummers......
Q: What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common? A: They can both smell it but can't eat it.
What's the difference between a police car and a porcupine?
A. Porcupines have pricks on the outside
Q. How do you get a one-armed hippie out of a tree?
A. Pass him a joint
This rabit is running along when he comes across a giraffe rolling a fat joint. He goes over to the Giraffe and says "You don't wanna do that, it's bad for you, why don't you come for a run with me?" "I suppose you're right", says the Giraffe, and they go off running together.
A short while later they come across a snake. The snake is making a line of coke and is just about to snort it when the rabbit says "You don't wanna do that, it's not good for you. Come for a run with me." The snake looks at the coke in front of him and agrees with him. So the three of them set off running (The snake is obviously not running but slithering next to them) After a while they come across a lion. The lionis hot-spooning heroin. The rabbit says "You definately don't want to do that. It's lowest of the low. Come running with us." At this point the lion jumps up and beats the **** out of the rabbit. The giraffe and snake are appaled by this attack, and ask him why the **** he did that. The lion replied, "Every time that **** is on Ecstacy he wants me to run with him!!!"
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also do a gramme of charlie a day, a spliff every night, a case of whiskey a week, eat junk food, and never exercise, and do pills on the weekend."
"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?'
"Twenty-six."
President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell
sitting over there?"
The barman says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III ". And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 20 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with really big tits.
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with really big tits?
Why kill a blonde with really big tits?
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder
and says, "See, smart ass?! I told you no one
would give a **** about the 20 million Iraqis!"
Q:How many Feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:That's not funny.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?
A: The refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out
Hired Help
A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, ''Who is this?''
''This is the maid,'' answers the woman.
''We don't have a maid,'' says the man.
The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.''
The man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?''
The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.''
The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?''
The maid says, ''What will I have to do?''
The man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.''
The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?''
The man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.''
Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.''
A long pause and the man says, ''Is this 567-5309?''
probably heard them all but i hadn't, and im bored !!!