Jokes

[Anonymous]

instead of a new topic for all joke i will put them all in 1

An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple. So she shot herself in the left kneecap.

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[Anonymous]

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"


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[Anonymous]

Why don't witches wear undies?


























wait for it















To get better grip on their brooms.





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[Anonymous]

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved baked beans, and shortly after, that they got married.
It was his birthday a few months later and, on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, the man called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home.

So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he 'putt-putted'. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms awhile, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue-ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and, a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin. When he heard his wife saying goodbye (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.



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[Anonymous]

A man woke up every morning and passed gas. After about eight or nine years of marriage, his wife finally said, if you fart any more, you'll fart your guts out. Being a butcher, the wife decided to put pig scraps in his pants so he would wake up, and not do it anymore. She put the scraps in his pants that night.
He woke up in the morning and went across the hall to the bathroom. Two long hours later, he came out and stated, honey, you were right about me farting my guts out BUT WITH THE GRACE OF THE DEAR LORD AND THESE TWO FINGERS. I GOT THEM BACK IN THERE.


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[Anonymous]

A man and his wife went to the doctor's office and the doctor asked the man for a blood, urine, and feces sample.
The man was slightly deaf and said, ''What?''

Again, the doctor said, ''I need a blood, urine and feces sample."

The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear:

''Sheldon, the doctor needs a pair of your underwear!''


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[Anonymous]

this one is good no offence ment davo lol

3 gays are in a bath tub, when suddenly a condom floats up.

One of the guys asks:
"Gross! Who farted?"

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[Anonymous]

Three men were trying to rob a bank, when they are shot and killed.

God comes down to them and says, "I will give all three of you the chance to live, and you get one final chance to steal something."

The men all agreed. They were willing to do anything to live. God says to them, "go to the fruit market down the street and steal three fruit of any kind. Then come back here and I will tell you what to do."

The first man comes back, carrying 3 cherries. God says to him, "If you can put all 3 cherries in your ass without making a face, I will give you your life back. If not, you are going to hell."

The man puts 2 cherries in his ass, but as he is sticking the third one inside he makes a grunting face. God snaps his fingers and sends the man to hell.
The second man comes back carrying three apples. God says to him, "If you can stick all three of those apples up your ass, I will give you your life back. If not, you are going to hell.

So the man sticks 2 apples in his ass. But when he puts the third one inside, he starts laughing hysterically.

God says to him, "You have made a face, and now you will go to hell. But i am curious...why did you start laughing?"

And the man says then, "Cuz Larry is coming back, and he stole 3 watermelons."

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[Anonymous]

A man with no ears is trying to find a new reporter for their news show.

The first guy walks in and the boss says, "This job requires you noticing a lot of details. What is one thing you notice about me?"

And the guy says, "Well shit! You got no ears man!" So the boss yells "Get the fuck out!".

So the next guy comes in and the boss says to him, "This job requires you noticing a lot of details. What is something you notice about me?" And the guy says, "That's easy. You got no ears!" So the boss says, to him, "Get the fuck out!"

As the second guy leaves he sees the third guy about to go in and says to him, "The boss has no ears so don't say anything about them, he is really sensitive about it."


So the guy goes in and the boss says, "This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What is one that you notice about me?" So the guy says, "Your wearing contacts!"
And the boss says, "Yeah, how did you know?"

So the guy replies, "Well shit, you can't wear glasses cause you ain't got no ears."


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