burgo
30-08-04, 11:21 PM
Clever Johnny
Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her first-grade pupils.
"Johnny, what is your problem?"
Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
Ms Brooks had had enough, so she took Johnny to the principal's office.
The principal agreed that he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.
He started by asking Johnny some simple arithmetic. "What is three times three?"
"Nine, Sir."
"How much is nine times six?"
"Fifty-four."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.
The principal looked at Ms Brooks and said, "I think Johnny can go to
third grade! He seems smart enough."
Ms Brooks said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Johnny both agreed.
Ms Brooks asked, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Johnny, after a moment, answered "Legs, Ma'am"
"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
"Pockets!"
"OK, what does a dog do that a man steps into?"
"Pants."
"What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
"Coconut."
"What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny was taking charge. "Bubblegum!"
"What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
"Shake hands, Ma'am."
"Now for some "Who am I" sort of questions, OK?
First one. You stick your poles inside me, you tie me down to get me up, and I get wet before you do."
Johnny, quick as ever, answered, "Tent!"
"OK, a finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first."
The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense. But Johnny was on the ball with "Wedding Ring!"
"I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you
feel good."
"Nose."
"Right, I have a stiff shaft, my tip penetrates, and I come with a quiver."
"Arrow."
"Good, now for the last one. What word starts with an 'F', ends in K',
and means a lot of heat and excitement?"
"Firetruck, Ma'am!"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send him to university, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"
3 inches
In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake.
He was a hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "gosh... if I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."
There was a fish in the water thinking, "gosh...if
that fly goes down three inches I can eat him."
There was a bear on the shore thinking, "gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...that fish will jump for the fly... and I will eat him."
A lone hunter said "Gosh," as he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish leaps for it...that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."
You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there was more. A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly...and that bear grabs for that fish...the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time "gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly...and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear...and that mouse makes off with the cheese
sandwich.... then I can have mouse for lunch."
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling
The fish swallows the fly...
the bear grabs the fish...
the hunter shoots the bear...
the mouse grabs the cheese sandwich.
The cat jumps for the mouse...
The mouse ducks...
The cat falls into the water and drowns.
The moral of the story is:
Whenever a fly goes down three inches some pussy is in danger.
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls". I told my husband that I would be home by midnight ... "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12 o clock. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said we need a new cuckoo clock. When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh shit!", cuckooed 4 more times,
cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."
GOVERNMENT ANNOUNCEMENT
The government announced today that it is changing it's emblem to a condom because it more reflects the government's political stance.
A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while it's actually screwing you.
God had almost finished creating the universe and had just two things left to offer Adam and Eve. The first, (s)he said, would allow the owner to pee standing up. Adam was very excited and jumped up and down begging God to be the owner of such a marvelous thing. Eve smiled at Adam's excitement and told God to let Adam have it. Adam was overjoyed and rushed away to practise writing his name in the sand. So, God said to Eve that she'd better have the remaining item. "What is it?", she said. "A brain", (s)he replied.
Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting.
He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said: "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have rough sex." Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said: "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered.
Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear said: "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
MY GOOD DEED
A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter
is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written
in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows
his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the
Book."
"How current is your copy?" he asks.
"I get a download every ten minutes." St. Peter replies, "Why do you
ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It
was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my
name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that, "Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the
update to come through, can you tell me about a really good deed
that you did in your life?"
The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmmm, well there was this one
time when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of biker gang
members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough,
there they were, about 20 of them harassing this poor woman.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk,
and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-
4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from
his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers
formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be
next". "So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed
him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and
yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone!
You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I
really teach you a lesson in PAIN!'"
St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"
"About three minutes ago."
kimmyTwo young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic week vacation.
When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood.
When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them
up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back
and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and that will
warm them up."
He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.
When he returns, he again says,"Honey,my hands are really freezing!"
She looks at him and says "for crying out loud,... don't your ears
ever get cold!?"
A woman walks into a swanky car showroom and browses around until she spots the perfect car. As she bends down to inspect it, she farts really loudly. Embarrassed, she looks around to see if anyone heard her. As she turns back to the car a salesman is standing by her side. "Good day madam. May i help you?", he says. Uncomfortably, she asks "How much is this lovely car?" He replies, " Madam, if you farted just touching it, you'll shit yourself when you hear the price!"
Here is a very simple little test comprised of four questions to determine the level of your intellect. Your replies must be spontaneous and immediate, with no deliberating or wasting time.
And NO CHEATING. On your mark, set....GO!!!
1: You are competing in a race, and overtake the runner in second place.
In which position are you now?
Answer:
If you answered that you're now coming first then you're completely wrong.
You overtook the second runner and took their place,therefore you're coming second.
For the next question try not to be so dumb.
2 : If you overtake the last runner, what position are you now in?
Answer:
If you answered second-last, once again you're completely wrong.
Think about it...How can you over take the person coming last? If you're behind them then they can't be last. The answer is impossible!!
It would appear that thinking is not one of your strong points. You would make a good door-stop!!!
Anyway, here's another to try, don't take any notes or use a calculator, and remember your replies must be instantaneous.
3 : Take 1000. Add 40. Add another 1000. Add 30. 1000 again. Plus 20.
Plus 1000. And plus 10. What is the total ?
Answer:
5000 Wrong again!!!!
The correct answer is 4100. Try again with a good calculator.
Today is clearly not your day!! Although you should manage to get the last question right...
4 : Marie's father has five daughters:
1. Chacha
2. Cheche
3. Chichi
4. Chocho
5. ?
Question: What is the fifth daughter's name?
Think quickly...you'll find the answer below...
Answer: Chuchu WRONG!!!!!
It's obviously Marie you ding-bat!!! Read the question properly!!!!!
You are clearly the weakest link.... GOODBYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A woman was standing before the bedroom mirror, admiring herself in her expensive new outfit. She posed this way and that, before her husband, looking on with disinterest, remarked "Your bum is the size of a 3-burner barbecue!" Later that evening, tucked up and cosy in bed, he leant over, tapped her on the shoulder, and asked hopefully "How about it?". She replied "It's hardly worth lighting the barby for half a sausage."
CHEWING GUM:
An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.
The American snapped his gum and said, "You Australian folk eat the whole bread?" The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."
The American blew a huge bubble.
"We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia."
The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.
The American persisted. "D'ya eat jam with the bread?"
Sighing, the Australian replied, "of course."
racking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, nd leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia."
The Australian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?"
The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do."
The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
"We throw them away, of course."
Now it was the Australian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Australia we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States.
Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?"
ODE TO HOT SUMMER NIGHTS
As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me. You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body ... you sensed my indifference, so you started to bite me without any guilt or humiliation. You drove me crazy while you sucked me dry. Finally I went to sleep. Today when I woke up you were gone. I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still shows your marks, making it harder to forget you. Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you...as soon you appear I will quickly grab you and won't let you go. I will hold you with all my strength so you won't disappear. I won't rest until l squeeze you with all my might.....
you ~
you ~
you ~
fucking mosquito!!!!!
A Moral
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!" This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "and look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks,
"Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."
* MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them*
A man and woman pass each other in their cars. As they pass the woman shouts "Pig!" out of the window, so the man shouts back, "Bitch!"
Two seconds later he rounds a bend and hits a pig in the road.
A trucker goes into a neighborhood coffee shop and says to the waitress, "I want 3 flat tires and a pair of headlights."
The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen and says to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered 3 flat tires and a pair of headlights. Does he think this is an auto parts store?"
"No" the cook says, "3 flat tires means 3 pancakes and a pair of
headlights is 2 eggs sunny side up."
"Oh!" says the waitress. She then spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer.The guy says "What are the beans for?"The waitress replies "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires and headlights, that you might want to gas up."
A guy goes to the Government to interview for a job. The interviewer asks
him, "Are you a veteran?"
The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam."
"Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favor. Do you have any
service-related disabilities?" The guy says, "In fact, I am 100% disabled.
During a battle, an explosion removed my private parts so they declared me
disabled. It doesn't affect my ability to work, though."
"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you. I can
hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10 and
we'll get you started."
The guy says, "If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to
some
at 10?"
"Well, here at the government, we don't do anything but sit around and
scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point of you coming in for
that."
p.s. i did say loads
Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her first-grade pupils.
"Johnny, what is your problem?"
Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
Ms Brooks had had enough, so she took Johnny to the principal's office.
The principal agreed that he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.
He started by asking Johnny some simple arithmetic. "What is three times three?"
"Nine, Sir."
"How much is nine times six?"
"Fifty-four."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.
The principal looked at Ms Brooks and said, "I think Johnny can go to
third grade! He seems smart enough."
Ms Brooks said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Johnny both agreed.
Ms Brooks asked, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Johnny, after a moment, answered "Legs, Ma'am"
"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
"Pockets!"
"OK, what does a dog do that a man steps into?"
"Pants."
"What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
"Coconut."
"What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny was taking charge. "Bubblegum!"
"What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
"Shake hands, Ma'am."
"Now for some "Who am I" sort of questions, OK?
First one. You stick your poles inside me, you tie me down to get me up, and I get wet before you do."
Johnny, quick as ever, answered, "Tent!"
"OK, a finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first."
The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense. But Johnny was on the ball with "Wedding Ring!"
"I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you
feel good."
"Nose."
"Right, I have a stiff shaft, my tip penetrates, and I come with a quiver."
"Arrow."
"Good, now for the last one. What word starts with an 'F', ends in K',
and means a lot of heat and excitement?"
"Firetruck, Ma'am!"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send him to university, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"
3 inches
In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake.
He was a hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "gosh... if I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."
There was a fish in the water thinking, "gosh...if
that fly goes down three inches I can eat him."
There was a bear on the shore thinking, "gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...that fish will jump for the fly... and I will eat him."
A lone hunter said "Gosh," as he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish leaps for it...that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."
You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there was more. A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly...and that bear grabs for that fish...the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time "gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly...and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear...and that mouse makes off with the cheese
sandwich.... then I can have mouse for lunch."
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling
The fish swallows the fly...
the bear grabs the fish...
the hunter shoots the bear...
the mouse grabs the cheese sandwich.
The cat jumps for the mouse...
The mouse ducks...
The cat falls into the water and drowns.
The moral of the story is:
Whenever a fly goes down three inches some pussy is in danger.
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls". I told my husband that I would be home by midnight ... "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12 o clock. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said we need a new cuckoo clock. When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh shit!", cuckooed 4 more times,
cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."
GOVERNMENT ANNOUNCEMENT
The government announced today that it is changing it's emblem to a condom because it more reflects the government's political stance.
A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while it's actually screwing you.
God had almost finished creating the universe and had just two things left to offer Adam and Eve. The first, (s)he said, would allow the owner to pee standing up. Adam was very excited and jumped up and down begging God to be the owner of such a marvelous thing. Eve smiled at Adam's excitement and told God to let Adam have it. Adam was overjoyed and rushed away to practise writing his name in the sand. So, God said to Eve that she'd better have the remaining item. "What is it?", she said. "A brain", (s)he replied.
Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting.
He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said: "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have rough sex." Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said: "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered.
Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear said: "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
MY GOOD DEED
A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter
is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written
in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows
his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the
Book."
"How current is your copy?" he asks.
"I get a download every ten minutes." St. Peter replies, "Why do you
ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It
was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my
name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that, "Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the
update to come through, can you tell me about a really good deed
that you did in your life?"
The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmmm, well there was this one
time when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of biker gang
members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough,
there they were, about 20 of them harassing this poor woman.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk,
and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-
4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from
his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers
formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be
next". "So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed
him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and
yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone!
You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I
really teach you a lesson in PAIN!'"
St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"
"About three minutes ago."
kimmyTwo young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic week vacation.
When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood.
When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them
up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back
and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and that will
warm them up."
He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.
When he returns, he again says,"Honey,my hands are really freezing!"
She looks at him and says "for crying out loud,... don't your ears
ever get cold!?"
A woman walks into a swanky car showroom and browses around until she spots the perfect car. As she bends down to inspect it, she farts really loudly. Embarrassed, she looks around to see if anyone heard her. As she turns back to the car a salesman is standing by her side. "Good day madam. May i help you?", he says. Uncomfortably, she asks "How much is this lovely car?" He replies, " Madam, if you farted just touching it, you'll shit yourself when you hear the price!"
Here is a very simple little test comprised of four questions to determine the level of your intellect. Your replies must be spontaneous and immediate, with no deliberating or wasting time.
And NO CHEATING. On your mark, set....GO!!!
1: You are competing in a race, and overtake the runner in second place.
In which position are you now?
Answer:
If you answered that you're now coming first then you're completely wrong.
You overtook the second runner and took their place,therefore you're coming second.
For the next question try not to be so dumb.
2 : If you overtake the last runner, what position are you now in?
Answer:
If you answered second-last, once again you're completely wrong.
Think about it...How can you over take the person coming last? If you're behind them then they can't be last. The answer is impossible!!
It would appear that thinking is not one of your strong points. You would make a good door-stop!!!
Anyway, here's another to try, don't take any notes or use a calculator, and remember your replies must be instantaneous.
3 : Take 1000. Add 40. Add another 1000. Add 30. 1000 again. Plus 20.
Plus 1000. And plus 10. What is the total ?
Answer:
5000 Wrong again!!!!
The correct answer is 4100. Try again with a good calculator.
Today is clearly not your day!! Although you should manage to get the last question right...
4 : Marie's father has five daughters:
1. Chacha
2. Cheche
3. Chichi
4. Chocho
5. ?
Question: What is the fifth daughter's name?
Think quickly...you'll find the answer below...
Answer: Chuchu WRONG!!!!!
It's obviously Marie you ding-bat!!! Read the question properly!!!!!
You are clearly the weakest link.... GOODBYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A woman was standing before the bedroom mirror, admiring herself in her expensive new outfit. She posed this way and that, before her husband, looking on with disinterest, remarked "Your bum is the size of a 3-burner barbecue!" Later that evening, tucked up and cosy in bed, he leant over, tapped her on the shoulder, and asked hopefully "How about it?". She replied "It's hardly worth lighting the barby for half a sausage."
CHEWING GUM:
An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.
The American snapped his gum and said, "You Australian folk eat the whole bread?" The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."
The American blew a huge bubble.
"We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia."
The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.
The American persisted. "D'ya eat jam with the bread?"
Sighing, the Australian replied, "of course."
racking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, nd leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia."
The Australian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?"
The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do."
The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
"We throw them away, of course."
Now it was the Australian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Australia we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States.
Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?"
ODE TO HOT SUMMER NIGHTS
As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me. You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body ... you sensed my indifference, so you started to bite me without any guilt or humiliation. You drove me crazy while you sucked me dry. Finally I went to sleep. Today when I woke up you were gone. I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still shows your marks, making it harder to forget you. Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you...as soon you appear I will quickly grab you and won't let you go. I will hold you with all my strength so you won't disappear. I won't rest until l squeeze you with all my might.....
you ~
you ~
you ~
fucking mosquito!!!!!
A Moral
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!" This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "and look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks,
"Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."
* MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them*
A man and woman pass each other in their cars. As they pass the woman shouts "Pig!" out of the window, so the man shouts back, "Bitch!"
Two seconds later he rounds a bend and hits a pig in the road.
A trucker goes into a neighborhood coffee shop and says to the waitress, "I want 3 flat tires and a pair of headlights."
The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen and says to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered 3 flat tires and a pair of headlights. Does he think this is an auto parts store?"
"No" the cook says, "3 flat tires means 3 pancakes and a pair of
headlights is 2 eggs sunny side up."
"Oh!" says the waitress. She then spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer.The guy says "What are the beans for?"The waitress replies "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires and headlights, that you might want to gas up."
A guy goes to the Government to interview for a job. The interviewer asks
him, "Are you a veteran?"
The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam."
"Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favor. Do you have any
service-related disabilities?" The guy says, "In fact, I am 100% disabled.
During a battle, an explosion removed my private parts so they declared me
disabled. It doesn't affect my ability to work, though."
"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you. I can
hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10 and
we'll get you started."
The guy says, "If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to
some
at 10?"
"Well, here at the government, we don't do anything but sit around and
scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point of you coming in for
that."
p.s. i did say loads