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5_door owner
30-08-04, 10:05 PM
1, OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. you take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.




2, CALLING someone 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.




3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.



4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.




5, GOING TO the TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish



* noisy destruction.





6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.




7, HAVING A THIN BIT of WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.



8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".




9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. you, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.




10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".




11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. PNEWmatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.




12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.



13, ARRIVING in A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. it doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are ****ed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.




14, not WATCHING your WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.




15, CARVING the ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.




16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?



17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item.


Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.



18, TAKING OUT ?200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. the only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.



19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."




20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.




21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.




22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH you - especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".



23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER is WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? are you mad, bint?"



24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER into the LOO - a visual code that says that's right, i'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized sh*t.




25, CALLING your MATE A C**T - and punching him on the shoulder. just a man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you while you were in hospital".

General Baxter
30-08-04, 10:27 PM
24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER into the LOO - a visual code that says that's right, i'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized sh*t.


and stopping in there for over 30mins :lol:

?Marty?
31-08-04, 12:39 AM
^^^ your hair is so nice and velvety soft, i bet you use Timotei?




On the matter in hand. Am i a big hard man when i wear pink, stand in a 'i'm a little tea-pot' pose with arm on hip, drinking an alcopop, and calling people (male) babe? Of course.

-Bruce-
31-08-04, 08:57 AM
all very funny!! :lol:

?Marty?
31-08-04, 06:51 PM
Cool, i am a big gay manly bear.

wisewood
31-08-04, 07:18 PM
If its not Timotei its definately Pantenne.

wisewood
31-08-04, 07:26 PM
*deliberate mispelling of pantenne to avoid product placement :D*

**I dont delete posts so i dont look bad, take a look around, many posts are starting to fade away**

Philsutton
31-08-04, 09:37 PM
USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. PNEWmatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.


Sounds like me that does, using powerful tools that have no control over

Al Wilson
31-08-04, 11:13 PM
I feel manly when I open the car door for the lady....

?Marty?
31-08-04, 11:41 PM
I feel more manly when i wine and dine a lady in an effort to woo her, and then spurt all over her with my Joo Goo, effectively gluing her eyes shut.

Al Wilson
31-08-04, 11:47 PM
You never wine and dine a lady. You only pretend and take yourself out to dinner and drinks. That way you can feel less guilty later on as you spank your limp noodle.

?Marty?
01-09-04, 12:00 AM
lol It's more difficult to find a lady than a needle in the haystack in my ''snake pit'' Kingdom of Chavs.

Al Wilson
01-09-04, 12:08 AM
I can arrange an escort service. Extras included. I know a few people/Essexites

Ben
01-09-04, 05:06 PM
The list we had go round work was 30 things, the best...

Owning a Shed :!:

wisewood
01-09-04, 05:09 PM
owning a shed is definately the pinnacle of manhood.

I now have my own 8x6 shed... and the guy next door only has a 6x4.
I feel much more manly than him, and in fact i am certain that he is jealous not only of my bigger shed, but also of my house as its the plot that he wanted, but he came back with funds in place etc the week after us and had to settle for the plot they have, which has a smaller garden and thus less space for a big manly shed.

Ben
01-09-04, 05:35 PM
I live in a block of 12 flats and there are 4 "shared sheds" B*llocks i threw everyone elses stuff out and padlocked the baby :!:

wisewood
01-09-04, 06:01 PM
you can't possibly "share" a shed with your neighbours.

THATS CRAZY. The person who thought that one up needs to spend some time living in the real world.

?Marty?
02-09-04, 12:32 AM
Anyway, when i feel myself as a man, i generally only use five things. Sometimes 10. :wink: