jkhilton
01-04-04, 01:29 PM
Another Cut and paste jobby.........
Some top tips for you guys.
1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply
pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is
almost instantly removed.
2. Arsenal fans: Save money on expensive new kits by
simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all,
as to your allegiance.
3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by
getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
4. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat ba$tards.
5. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The
following
morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble
full
of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
6. Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the
seaside by
pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
7. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your
own home by
filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
urinating into it, before jumping in.
8. Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed,
lie in a
sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the
fence.
9. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary
oneand slip a
handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
10. X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by
drinking
two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the
following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
11. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand
closer to
the object you wish to view.
12. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes
the
fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
13. Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
direction of oncoming traffic.
14. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of
lard.
15. Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start
eating
cakes again.
16. A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an
ideal
coat hanger in an emergency.
17. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your
intended destination in the first place.
18. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.
19. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic
steroids
by running a bit slower.
20. Arsenal fans: Avoid an asymmetrical bulge in your
right arm by
masturbating furiously with your left arm too.
21. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by
simply
pissing in the sink.
22. Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar
by
buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.
23. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of
steak or
veal. since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
substitute
etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any
difference.
24. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no
doubt
be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about
yours,
and ask for a nice steak.
25. Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your
missus
from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong
name.
See for how long you can 'stay mounted'.
26. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment
always circle
the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the
washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check
that
it has gone.
27. High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for
a
while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
28. Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of
your
cigarettes. save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to
insulate your loft.
29. Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your
windscreen,
sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and
driving
the wrong way up one way streets.
30. Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping
your
chin in a bowl of iron fillings.
31. A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for
costly
maps when visiting the Sahara desert.
32. Have all your shits at work. Not only will you save money on
toilet
paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
33. Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of
your car
before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars
anyway, so it may as well look like one.
34. A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock Will prevent
you from
rolling over and going back to sleep.
Some top tips for you guys.
1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply
pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is
almost instantly removed.
2. Arsenal fans: Save money on expensive new kits by
simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all,
as to your allegiance.
3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by
getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
4. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat ba$tards.
5. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The
following
morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble
full
of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
6. Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the
seaside by
pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
7. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your
own home by
filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
urinating into it, before jumping in.
8. Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed,
lie in a
sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the
fence.
9. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary
oneand slip a
handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
10. X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by
drinking
two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the
following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
11. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand
closer to
the object you wish to view.
12. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes
the
fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
13. Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
direction of oncoming traffic.
14. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of
lard.
15. Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start
eating
cakes again.
16. A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an
ideal
coat hanger in an emergency.
17. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your
intended destination in the first place.
18. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.
19. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic
steroids
by running a bit slower.
20. Arsenal fans: Avoid an asymmetrical bulge in your
right arm by
masturbating furiously with your left arm too.
21. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by
simply
pissing in the sink.
22. Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar
by
buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.
23. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of
steak or
veal. since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
substitute
etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any
difference.
24. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no
doubt
be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about
yours,
and ask for a nice steak.
25. Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your
missus
from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong
name.
See for how long you can 'stay mounted'.
26. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment
always circle
the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the
washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check
that
it has gone.
27. High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for
a
while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
28. Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of
your
cigarettes. save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to
insulate your loft.
29. Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your
windscreen,
sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and
driving
the wrong way up one way streets.
30. Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping
your
chin in a bowl of iron fillings.
31. A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for
costly
maps when visiting the Sahara desert.
32. Have all your shits at work. Not only will you save money on
toilet
paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
33. Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of
your car
before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars
anyway, so it may as well look like one.
34. A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock Will prevent
you from
rolling over and going back to sleep.