epo
02-10-03, 08:43 PM
> A Newcastle fan, Sunderland fan and Middlesborough fan arrested in Saudi
> for having alcohol on them. The case goes to court and on the final day
> of the case the Sheikh tells them
> " your punishment will be 20 lashes, but as it is my birthday I will also
> give you all one wish"
> The Middlesborough fan steps up and says "Can I have a pillow strapped to
> my back" this happens, after 10 lashes the pillow falls to bits and the
> Boro fan is taken away howling.
> Seeing this, the Sunderland fan steps up for his punishment
> "Can I have 2 pillows strapped to my back" this happens, after 15 lashes
> the pillows fall to bits and the Sunderland fan is taken away howling like
> a girl.
> The Newcastle fan steps up to take his punishment, before this the Sheik
> steps forward and says
> "You are a supporter of a brilliant team, the best in the world, because
> of this I will give you 2 wishes."
> "Thank you" replies the fan, "because of your kindness instead of 20
> lashes may I have 100 lashes"
> Surprised by this the Sheikh agrees "What is your second wish" he
> asks..........
> "Can I have the Sunderland fan strapped to my back."
>
> --------
>
> A Scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
> counter and said "Hi, I'm lookin' for a job.".
> The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just
> got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur for his
> daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, uniform
> provided. Because of the long hours of this job meals will also be
> provided and once a year you will also be required to escort the young
> lady on her overseas holiday. The salary package is ?200,000 a year.".
> The Scouser said "Nah, you're bullshitting me!".
> The man behind the counter said "Well you fucking started it!"
>
> -------------
>
> The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train
> looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent
> to a well-dressed middle age lady and was being used by her little dog.
> The weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
> The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier and sniffed, then
> said " You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see
> my Little Fifi is using that seat?"
> The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after
> another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the
> woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please lady, may I sit there? I'm
> very tired."
> The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only
> are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
> The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the
> little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the
> empty seat. The woman shrieked and wailed, demanding that someone defend
> her and chastise the soldier!
> An Englishman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you
> Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat
> holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong
> side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the
> window.
>
> -----------
>
> A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At
> the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when
> they accidentally bump into a wall, Jarring the casket. They hear a faint
> moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is Actually alive. She
> lived for ten more years, and then dies peacefully. A ceremony is again
> held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers
> are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries
> out, "Watch the f*cking wall!"
>
> ----------
>
> My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the
> other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good
> mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big f*ckin' red
> mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond !!!!
>
> -----------
>
> A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body
> hurts wherever she touches it.
> "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
> She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She
> pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she
> touches makes her scream.
> The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
> The girl says "No, I'm really a blonde".
> "I thought so," the doctor says." You have a broken finger."
>
> ---------------
> And to end on a positive note....
>
> Blonde bank loan
>
> A blonde walks into a bank in Dublin and asks for the loan officer.
> She says she's going to New York on business for two weeks and needs to
> borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of
> security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a brand new
> Mercedes.
> The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title,
> and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as
> collateral for the loan.
> The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the
> blonde for using a $250,000 Mercedes as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
> An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Mercedes into the
> bank's underground garage and parks it there.
> Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest,
> which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to
> have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely,
> but we are a little puzzled.
> While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a
> millionaire.
> What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
> The blonde replies..."Where else in Dublin can I park my car for two
> weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
>
> Finally, a smart blonde joke.
> for having alcohol on them. The case goes to court and on the final day
> of the case the Sheikh tells them
> " your punishment will be 20 lashes, but as it is my birthday I will also
> give you all one wish"
> The Middlesborough fan steps up and says "Can I have a pillow strapped to
> my back" this happens, after 10 lashes the pillow falls to bits and the
> Boro fan is taken away howling.
> Seeing this, the Sunderland fan steps up for his punishment
> "Can I have 2 pillows strapped to my back" this happens, after 15 lashes
> the pillows fall to bits and the Sunderland fan is taken away howling like
> a girl.
> The Newcastle fan steps up to take his punishment, before this the Sheik
> steps forward and says
> "You are a supporter of a brilliant team, the best in the world, because
> of this I will give you 2 wishes."
> "Thank you" replies the fan, "because of your kindness instead of 20
> lashes may I have 100 lashes"
> Surprised by this the Sheikh agrees "What is your second wish" he
> asks..........
> "Can I have the Sunderland fan strapped to my back."
>
> --------
>
> A Scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
> counter and said "Hi, I'm lookin' for a job.".
> The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just
> got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur for his
> daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, uniform
> provided. Because of the long hours of this job meals will also be
> provided and once a year you will also be required to escort the young
> lady on her overseas holiday. The salary package is ?200,000 a year.".
> The Scouser said "Nah, you're bullshitting me!".
> The man behind the counter said "Well you fucking started it!"
>
> -------------
>
> The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train
> looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent
> to a well-dressed middle age lady and was being used by her little dog.
> The weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
> The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier and sniffed, then
> said " You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see
> my Little Fifi is using that seat?"
> The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after
> another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the
> woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please lady, may I sit there? I'm
> very tired."
> The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only
> are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
> The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the
> little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the
> empty seat. The woman shrieked and wailed, demanding that someone defend
> her and chastise the soldier!
> An Englishman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you
> Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat
> holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong
> side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the
> window.
>
> -----------
>
> A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At
> the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when
> they accidentally bump into a wall, Jarring the casket. They hear a faint
> moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is Actually alive. She
> lived for ten more years, and then dies peacefully. A ceremony is again
> held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers
> are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries
> out, "Watch the f*cking wall!"
>
> ----------
>
> My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the
> other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good
> mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big f*ckin' red
> mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond !!!!
>
> -----------
>
> A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body
> hurts wherever she touches it.
> "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
> She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She
> pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she
> touches makes her scream.
> The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
> The girl says "No, I'm really a blonde".
> "I thought so," the doctor says." You have a broken finger."
>
> ---------------
> And to end on a positive note....
>
> Blonde bank loan
>
> A blonde walks into a bank in Dublin and asks for the loan officer.
> She says she's going to New York on business for two weeks and needs to
> borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of
> security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a brand new
> Mercedes.
> The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title,
> and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as
> collateral for the loan.
> The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the
> blonde for using a $250,000 Mercedes as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
> An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Mercedes into the
> bank's underground garage and parks it there.
> Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest,
> which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to
> have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely,
> but we are a little puzzled.
> While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a
> millionaire.
> What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
> The blonde replies..."Where else in Dublin can I park my car for two
> weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
>
> Finally, a smart blonde joke.