UGLY BABY + MONKEY

[Dave]

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me." she fumed.

The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

You're right." She said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea." the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

[Dave]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

He just ate the cue ball off my pool table!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While
the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out,
and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?"replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to crap out that cue ball, he measures everything first."

[wisewood]

the woman in the first one was Neils mum and the baby was Neil :lol:

[Dave]

do you reckon they is ready for the mastercard one yet wise?

[Mark]

Yes we is ready, lay it on us!

[wisewood]

no not yet mate... hang back on that one for a quiet day - monday morning would be a good time for the mastercard one. :D

[Mark]

No Wisewood don't be so mean. It's friday, my shed got broken into again last night, I have a very stressfull weekend ahead. Please let him cheer me up!

[wisewood]

no - just imagine how down you will be on monday after your stressful weekend... the mastercard will cheer you up to a normal level again at least.

[Mark]

O.k I'll wait. - It better be as good as it's being hyped to be. (No I can' spell)

[Fester]

its old but good! like helen mirren

[Ben (lurk75)]

Or anneka rice :lol:

Ulrika is alright but has a few too many miles on the clock- been once to many times round the block :!:

[Fester]

don't go near ulrika she'll write a book and youll end up in court! and it wont be brucey as the judge with you sat on a sofa as well lol "see you in court"

[Ben (lurk75)]

Nah wouldnt touch Ulrika with yours- would be like walking through the channel tunnel :!:

[Fester]

i'd do her lol

[wisewood]

i quite like ulrika.
and as for all this john lesley none sense... she never named him - not once!!

It was that pratt on the tele - whats his name - errr... him on The Wright Stuff that slipped up and said John Lesley's name on national TV. Ulrika neither confirmed or denied it and simply said if required to do so she would give evidence in court against the person.

The media blew it up to be the fiasco that it has turned out to be... and just because there was not enough evidence to convict him and they knocked the whole thing on the head does not mean he is innocent by any stretch the imagination.

You remember all that stuff with that bloke doing stuff to my sister - well the crown prosecution service let him off without charge because there wasnt enoguh hard evidence. Even with 5 women coming forward to give their word against his and say it'd been done to them it wouldnt be enough without actual evidence.

Its a sorry state of affairs when rapists and sicko's can walk around the streets and the police know they are guilty, but nothing can be done about it unfortunately.

[wisewood]

i quite like ulrika.
and as for all this john lesley none sense... she never named him - not once!!

It was that pratt on the tele - whats his name - errr... him on The Wright Stuff that slipped up and said John Lesley's name on national TV. Ulrika neither confirmed or denied it and simply said if required to do so she would give evidence in court against the person.

The media blew it up to be the fiasco that it has turned out to be... and just because there was not enough evidence to convict him and they knocked the whole thing on the head does not mean he is innocent by any stretch the imagination.

You remember all that stuff with that bloke doing stuff to my sister - well the crown prosecution service let him off without charge because there wasnt enoguh hard evidence. Even with 5 women coming forward to give their word against his and say it'd been done to them it wouldnt be enough without actual evidence.

Its a sorry state of affairs when rapists and sicko's can walk around the streets and the police know they are guilty, but nothing can be done about it unfortunately.