Let's here some jokes

[novadave24]

As above let's see some jokes lol

[Stuart]

Where?

[Southie]

Novadave24 :wisewood:

[novadave24]

Sorry ment to say let's here some jokes not me lol

[MK999]

This thread.

I give it 2/10, could scrape a 4 with some consistency and proof reading, maybe up to a 6 if there was actually a joke or two to get things rolling.

Must try harder, definitely no gold star.

[Andy]

Where?
Gold.
lol lol lol

[mowgli]

conjunctivitus.com there's a site for sore eyes..........

ps... repost....

[Southie]

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants. The iBoob will cost between £499 and £699, depending on the speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[novadave24]

How do you make five pounds of fat look good ?
Give it a nipple

[novadave24]

What did adam say to eve ?
stand back, i dont know how big this thing gets !

why does a squirrel swim on its back?
to keep its nuts dry .

hope thats a few to get it going ?

[Alex J]

knock knock

[Old man Jimbo]

Who's there?

[pie]

daisy

[novadave24]

daisy who ?

[pie]

daisy me rollin they hatin lol

[Old man Jimbo]

:facepalm: lol

[pie]

f lol lol

[Alex J]

knock knock

[turbojolt]

whos there

[Alex J]

http://i301.photobucket.com/albums/nn58/Ecko_RS/Cat-CatInSinkBoredCatIsBored.jpg

[novadave24]

How can you tell a head nurse ?
she's the one with the durty knees.

[paul james]

Why did the two penguins jump when they first met each other?

....


They wanted to break the ice


I ate a penguin bar yesterday after giving blood (its the best bit, and yes I am a hero), joke aquired from the wrapper.

[novadave24]

why cant the leopard hide ?
because hes always spotted.

why are fish so easy to weigh ?
because they have theirown scales.

[Nova-nation]

daisy me rollin they hatin lol

lol lol lol lol

[mowgli]

knock knock.........

who's there??

pizza delivery

[Spudly]

daisy me rollin they hatin lol





Only one thats made me lol so far :thumb:

[pie]

thank you :) lol

i got told the other day n i f lol lol

[Jeff16v]

Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.

[mowgli]

why did the mexican chuck his wife off a cliff???????

[joff-turbo-nova]

why did the mexican chuck his wife off a cliff???????

Go on...

[mowgli]

tequila

[Southie]

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

[Southie]

Velcro.... what a rip-off!

[mowgli]

been checking tim vine jokes???

[Southie]

Yep lol

You'll recognise this as well then!



I went to the doctor the other day
I said 'have you got anything for wind'
so he gave me a kite.

And this...

I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife.
Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs....
but she's good with the kids....

[joff-turbo-nova]

hedgehogs ..... they should learn to share the hedge.

[gteben]

How is knocking up your girlfriend like locking your keys out of your car?
The problem goes away with the aid of a coathangar.

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

Blonde paint jobA blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[gteben]

Four nuns are killed and arrive at the Gates of Heaven. They line up in front of St Peter.
The first nun says “St Peter, I once saw a man’s penis. May I still enter?”
St Peter replies “Wash your eyes in this font of holy water and proceed.”
The second nun says “St Peter, I once touched a man’s penis. May I still enter?”
St Peter replies “Wash your hands in this font of holy water and proceed.”
St Peter suddenly notices a scuffle between the last two nuns. The fourth nun is trying to cut in front of the third nun. “What is going on?” he asks the fourth nun.
“I’m trying to go first so I can wash my mouth out before she sticks her **** in the font”.

[steviegsi]

Apparently, towels are the biggest cause of dry skin.

[novadave24]

what kind of rooms have no walls ? mushrooms.

why did the turtle cross the road ? to get to the shell station.

what is full of holes but can still hold water ? a sponge.

[gteben]

what is full of holes but can still hold water ? a sponge.

nova:thumb:

[brownbear]

knock knock

[Iain]

Come in.

[Southie]

Come in.
There's no need to get that excited Iain lol

[Iain]

Behave lol

[brownbear]

Flol

[brownbear]

Right. I'll start again....... Knock knock.

[novadave24]

whos there then ?

[Iain]

Oh look it's Brownbear, I've been expecting you, I'll put the kettle on.

[pie]

f lol iain

[novadave24]

lol

[novadave24]

whats six inches long that women love ? folding money.

what do the mafia and a pussy have in common ? one slip of the tongue and you're in deep sh1t.

[pie]

2 elephants fall of a cliff.....







BOOM BOOM

[Alex J]

a man walks into a bar

ouch

[novadave24]

what duck has 2 legs ?

[Southie]

what duck has 2 legs ?
All ducks have 2 legs!

[novadave24]

yes lol

[brownbear]

Knock Knock (Not on Ians door)

[Alex J]

were closed

[Jeff16v]

I bought a teddy today for £5.99, named him Mohammed then sold him on for £8.99. have I made a prophet?

[Iain]

Knock Knock (Not on Ians door)

Oh hi there. Ian's not home but maybe I can help you?

[novadave24]

are you iain ?

[Iain]

Yes. Come in, the kettle has just boiled.

wtf is going on here lol

[novadave24]

ok thanks 3 sugers please :)

[Iain]

I wonder if we'll ever hear brownbear's joke, it had better be good lol

[mowgli]

by definition, 99% of knock knock jokes are crap....

apart from

europe
turbojolt dunnap

[novadave24]

what did the toilet say to the pther toilet? you look a little flushed.

[novadave24]

whats the difference between a penis and a bonus ?

[mowgli]

whats the difference between a penis and a bonus ?

thats along the same lines as:

boss: what's the difference between a caesar salad & a blowjob??
secretary: i don't know....
boss: lets do lunch

[novadave24]

:thumb:lol

its your wife will always blow your bonus .

[Iain]

Knock knock

[Pistol Pete]

Whos there..

[Iain]

Kettle

[mowgli]

http://rockhall.com/media/assets/inductees/default/the-who.jpg

who's here

[Iain]

Bottom right looks like Adam before his haircut

[brownbear]

All knock knock jokes are crap. lol This is way more fun. Although I don't think i've ever had so many cup's of tea! Lol

[novadave24]

Iain never sounds like he runs out of tea he's kettle always on lol

[pie]

T with 2 plzzzzzzzz :) lol

[Southie]

T with 2 plzzzzzzzz :) lol
2 what???? This isn't your kettle is it Pie lol

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-aaz667Mfqyw/TeahWAz7CeI/AAAAAAAAcP4/3l0pc8dV6Bc/s1600/funny-ebay-advertisement-stupid-naked-person-tea-kettle-reflection.jpg

[pie]

lmfao southie

lol lol lol lol lol

[novadave24]

is that a man why dont some people think lol lol

[mk1nova_rich]

Because modern society provides a safe bubble around those who would otherwise become victim of Darwin's theory

[brownbear]

^^ This boy is deep ^^

[Southie]

^^ This boy is deep ^^
http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2011/03/0b6164f1-a66a-4c97-8758-ff14e6b95aef.jpg

[novadave24]

why was tigger looking in the toilet ? he wastrying to find pooh.

what did the letter say to the stamps? stick with me and we'll go places.

[mowgli]

is that a man why dont some people think lol lol

it was a joke... for a while every mirror or kettle or shiny thing had a naked person in it... the naturists were just having a laff

[Lee]

I ejaculated six feet earlier.

.. which is strange as i normally ejaculate semen.

[novadave24]

why did the woman take a loaf of bread to bed with her ? to feed her nightmare.

what did the picture say to the other picture ? i heard you got framed.

what does the toothbrush say to the hair brush ? i getmore head then you .

[mowgli]

/\ thats not a joke........

https://encrypted-tbn1.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSyIz-OuGS1Dxdo8Yk3BWnqW09u8AsvBMqBfT0_GTslDHCSfYNR

this is a joke\/

what do you call a magistrate with no cock???? justice balls

what do you call a female police officer with a shaven fanny??? c**tstubble

why did paddy's wife buy C&A knickers?? so she knew which way round they went

bin man goes to a chinese mans house & knocks on the door, he asks the bloke 'where's ya bin?'
he replies 'i bin hong kong'
'no, where's ya bin?'
'i bin hong kong'
'no, where's ya wheelie bin?'
'i wheelie bin hong kong'

[novadave24]

Lol I like that one lol

[pie]

a nova with no rust..........................thats a joke f lol lol

[novadave24]

thats very true theres always rust some were lol

[nova 300]

why was the little strawberry crying ?

Because his parents were in a jam .