View Full Version : Jokes, try again...
Right then.
No going nuts with stupid yank jokes which arent funny.
Try to not be "racist" but then at the same time the rules do state that you shouldnt be "racist" towards an individual.....:thumb:
I went to the Zoo the other day, they only had one dog there.
It was a Shih tzu
I went to the Zoo the other day, they only had one dog there.
It was a Shih tzu
Dear o dear lol
gc_vaux
07-10-10, 10:15 AM
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
/\ like.
whats the difference between PNG and a gay club?
fukk all.
gc_vaux
07-10-10, 10:29 AM
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
couple having sex outside at night, he says i wish i had a torch, she says so do i, you have been licking that slug in the grass for the last ten minutes.
my wife says im always pushing her about and talking behind her back,what does she expect, shes in a wheelchair.
claire6069
07-10-10, 11:17 AM
/\ ewwwwwwwww!!!!!!!! at the slugs lol
So Cheryl Cole is being accused of being racist!
Just when you think she can't get any more perfect!
I locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other night.
It turns out they get really pissed when you go in and ask them for a coat hanger.
Abortion: It really brings out the child in you.
Finally convinced my girlfriend to have an abortion.
All she needed was a nudge in the right direction.
And some stairs.
claire6069
07-10-10, 11:22 AM
you seem to have a thing for abortions lol
/\ thats a bit sick mate, and bordering on not funny.
they are copied from sickepedia.
admin please delete if not appropriate...
claire6069
07-10-10, 11:39 AM
sickepedia lol says it all!!! true class lmao
stevenf
07-10-10, 11:45 AM
Stephen hawking came back from his first date in ten years. His glasses were smashed, wrist broken, twisted ankles and grazed knees. Apparently she stood him up
Finally convinced my girlfriend to have an abortion.
All she needed was a nudge in the right direction.
And some stairs.
Golden oldie still makes me smile lol
Not having a go at you Rob at all. But seriously you cant say anything on here recently without someone taking offence!
gc_vaux
07-10-10, 11:49 AM
Stephen hawking came back from his first date in ten years. His glasses were smashed, wrist broken, twisted ankles and grazed knees. Apparently she stood him up
lol lol lol lol lol lol !!
Golden oldie still makes me smile lol
Not having a go at you Rob at all. But seriously you cant say anything on here recently without someone taking offence!
indeedy, Miss Piper seems to have sand in her fanny about everything since his rage axe attack lol
does this mean i can post more offending jokes :D
aslong as they arent boring and simply copied from the obvious places on the internets :p lol
I was at the zoo the other day and saw a sign saying "Special needs goose" I grabbed the zoo attendant and asked what the **** a "Special needs goose" is, he told me they used to call it the Mongoose but that was deemed politically incorrect.
GRUNT 16V
07-10-10, 03:13 PM
a mother goes and collects her son from school
on the way home they pass the bike sheds where a young couple are shaging!
the lad asks his mother what are they doing ?
to which mum replies there having a bacon sanwhich! oh says the boy.
walking past a field he see's a bull giving a hefer one the lad says mum there having a bacon sand which look !!!! oh says mum
walking through the street he sees to dogs going for it and shouts mum there having a bacon sandwhich too !!!!!
when they get home the father turns up from a weeks work trip ; mum and dad feel a bit frisky and go upstairs leaving the lad watch tv!
after 2 hours of tv the lad gets bored and goes upstairs and knocks on there
door !!
mum answers ' what are you doing mum ? were having a bacon sandwhich son !!!
he says i thought so because i can see the fat running down your leg !!!! lol
bit long i know buts makes me piss my pants
I smashed my car into a bus stop full of people last night,got away with a broken arm.
Dont know whose,but it's mine now!
Sicki..... lol
I think that goes against Stu and his obvious rule. lol
not sick, tis funny and not blatant lol
not sick, tis funny and not blatant lol
I meant Sickipedia are teh source n0000b! lol
SR-Rally
08-10-10, 09:26 PM
I gave my girlfriend an orgasm last night
ungratefull bitch spat it out
SR-Rally
08-10-10, 09:30 PM
Someone keeps adding soil to my allotment overnight.It's an absolute mystery as to why though.
The plot thickens.
Scientists have found that women have the same DNA as shrimps..
Their heads are full of $hit, but their pink bits taste lovely...
I used to be a pathologist working for the UN. There was one incedent where I believed I had stumbled accross the mass grave of 1000 snowmen.
Turned out to be a carrot patch.
lol @ the cleaned up Irish joke. ^ Nice work!
priest books into a large hotel, he says to the receptrionist
'will the porn channel be disabled?'
she replies, 'no father, its regular porn'
The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning
and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven, which
part of your body goes first?’
Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'
'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'
Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in
front of you and God just takes your hands first.'
'What a wonderful answer!', the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your
feet.'
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now,
Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'
Johnny said: 'Well, I walked into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night.
Mom had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying: 'Oh God!
I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.’
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong, 'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.
'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.
He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.
Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'
'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.
'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but w hy is it hanging out of your pajamas?'
(You've gotta love this.)
'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
claire6069
09-10-10, 07:08 PM
Three old ladies,hard of hearing are reminiscing about old times.
The first lady recalls the greengrocers and shows with her hands the big cucumbers she could buy for 1p.
The second old lady nods, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper and demonstrates the size of 2 big onions she could buy for 1p.
"I cant hear a word your ...saying" the third old lady remarks "but i definitely remember the bloke you're talking about"
stevenf
09-10-10, 07:19 PM
A Geordie goes with a Wigan prostitute. Drops his pants, gets his cock out and the lass says:
"Bye eck! That's a gud un!"
He says:
"Whats a 'gud un'?"
She replys:
"It means a big one."
She drops her knickers and he says:
"Bye! That's a canny un!"
She says:
"What's a 'canny un'?"
He replys:
"A ****ing big valley that cowboys ride through!"
Some bloke just chucked a chocolate bar at my head.
How Dairy!
I'm reading a book about anti gravity.
It's impossible to put down.
Unfortunately, due to a recent stroke, my left side is now completely useless...
I now refer to it as my feminine side
ive got one for you lot...... wait for it.......GC VAUXlol lol lol lol lol lol lol
Roses are Red,
Violets are Blue,
You don't have a Visa,
**** off Gamu.
The first task for the Chilean miners after their release, is to visit Anfield and teach Roy Hodgson how to get out of a ****ing big hole before Christmas
JensonLEI
13-10-10, 08:12 AM
Some bloke just chucked a chocolate bar at my head.
How Dairy!
That joke was that bad, it would make an onion cry.
Did U hear about the Gay Rabbit ?
He found a Hare up his ****!!!
Hoochie
13-10-10, 03:05 PM
An 80 yr old finds his wife doing a handstand naked up against the wall.
Shocked he asks, "what on earth are you doing",
She said " i know you can't get it up, so maybe you could just drop it in".
Hoochie
13-10-10, 03:08 PM
Now that George Michael has been released from prison he is going to be working on his new single......It's about his skinhead cell mate.....Hairless fister.
claire6069
13-10-10, 07:30 PM
Man and Wife are in the bedroom one night. The husband is already in bed and is waiting for his wife to get undressed. She gets undressed and stands in front of the mirror and begins to weep
"I'm so ugly!" she cries "My boobs droop, i have two spare tyres round my middle, my bum is huge, my bingo wings are disgusting and i'm going grey"
She turns to face her husband, awaiting a compliment.
Without even looking up at her he replies 'Well at least your eyes are good dear"
Whats the difference between a pimple and a priest?
a pimple wont come on your face till your 15
What do you call a bloke with no shins?
Tony.
TeddyThom
13-10-10, 11:51 PM
Got a few here so bear with me:
This is aimed mainly at people like Abu Hamza so don't get too pissy at me lol
1:
AMAZING WORD TRICKS
Did you know that the word "race car" spelt backwards still spells "race car"?
Did you know that "eat" is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate"?
And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrant" and add a few more, it spells out; Go home you fcuking free loading, benefit grabbing, kid producing, violent, non-english speaking assholes, and take those other fcuking hairy faced, sandel wearing, bomb making, goat fcuking, raggedy ass bastrds with you?"
How strange is that?
2:
Gary Glitter now lives in Chile. It's the only place where you can slide a minor up and down a shaft and get applauded for it.
3:
This is yet to be confirmed by scientists, but there are rumours that women have a certain "spot", and if you hit it with enough strength, it will make them do anything for you?
4:
George Michael has been admitted to prison hospital with a chocolate bar rammed up his ****. Reports say it was a careless wispa...
5:
Have you heard the latest club craze? It's to fill a womans fanny with vodka or another alcoholic beverage and drink it through a straw. It's called ***** drinking.
6:
I mistook the popemobile for an ice cream van today, I only realised my mistake when I read "wouldn't mind that child" written on the back!!
7:
Couple driving home one night, run over a badger. THey get out to check it and find it's still breathing but freezing cold. Husband says "put it between your legs to warm it up", wife replies "but it's all wet and it stinks", husband says "well hold the badgers nose then!"
8:
Woman in labour shouting the usual stuff; "get this out of me, give me the drugs!" etc, She turns to her boyfriend and says "you did this to me you bastrd!!" He casually replies "if you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ****, but you told me to fcuk off it'll be too painful. Not laughing now are?!"
9:
(Another naughty one)
Lost my job as a lifeguard today. Apparently refusing a muslim entry whilst tapping the "No Bombing" sign isn't the done thing...
10:
David Dickinson, host of TV's Bargain Hunt, has got a new show where he takes celebrities, such as Peter Crouch and Wayne Rooney, around the streets atnight looking for the cheapest hookers, Bargain Cnut, starts friday at 7pm.
11:
I said to the wife in bed, "give us a chilean miner would you darling?" "What's that?" she asked. "Go down to the bottom of my shaft and stay there til christmas!"
12:
Question: Why do women wear knickers?
Answer: Because the Health and SAfety at Work Act 1974 states: All manholes must be covered at all times when not in use!"
13:
The EU has decided that we can no longer use the terms "gyppo" or "pikey". We must now refer to them as Caravane Utilising Nomadic Travellers. Or C.U.N.T.S for short.
14:
Mick and Paddy reading headstones near a church. Mick says" fcuk! There was a man here who was 152!" Paddy says "whats his name?" "Miles from London".
15:
"Giving an ugly bloke Viagra is as much use as giving a bloke with no legs a bicyle".
16:
The best engine in the world is the fanny. It pulls anything, takes any size piston, is self lubricating and does its own oil change every 4 weeks. It's just a shame the management system is do damn tempermental!!
17:
Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm & then have a surrogate mother artifically inseminated. When the baby is born they rush to the hospital. 12 babies are in the ward, 11 are crying and screaming but 1 baby is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by and points out the happy child as theirs. "isn't it wonderful?" says one gay, "all these unhappy babies, but yet ours is happy". The nurse says "oh sure he is happy now, but watch what happens when we pull the thermometer out of his ass!!"
stevenf
14-10-10, 02:39 PM
My girlfriend had a job interview for a camera store the other day.Before she left, she knew I'd have a joke lined up, and so she said "please don't give me any of your silly puns, like, You're a snappy dresser, or it'll be over in a flash..."So I punched her in the face, and said: "That bruise should develop in about an hour and if you interrupt my jokes again, well, you get the picture.."
A 7 & 4 year old are in their bedroom, 7yr old says "I think its time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast I'll swear first then you"
"OK" says 4yr old. Mum asks 7yr old what he wants for breakfast.
"I'll have Coco pops, bitch"
WHACK, he flew out of his chair crying his eyes out. Mum looked at 4yr old & said sternly "and what do you want?"
"dunno but it won't be ****ing coco pops"
BENJIEGSI8v
16-10-10, 01:07 AM
I fancied a take-away last night, so I phoned King's China Buffet. The guy answered and said "Herro, I'm Wan King the cook" I said "No worries mate, I'll call back later."
Paddy is a bit drunk, and approaches a prostitute down a dark alleyway.
'How much for full sex?' he asked
'£20' she replies
So they get down to it, and suddenly a policeman appears and shines a light in their faces.
'Whats going on here?' he asks
'Nothing officer, i'm just having sex with my wife'
'Terribly sorry' replied the cop, 'I didn't know it was your wife'
Paddy shouts 'Neither did I 'till you shone that fcucking light in her face'
Chilean miner making love to his wife for first time since release . . . .
Can we switch the lights off ? . . . Of course honey.
Can I have you from behind ? . . . . .
Anything you want my brave boy. . . Ok,
Can I call you Pedro ? . . .
7 Kinds Of Sex ....
The 1st kind of sex is called ... Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet
someone and you both have sex until you are
blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called ... Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for
a short time and you are so needy you will have
sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called ... Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a
long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you
usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called ... Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for too
long. When you pass each other in the hallway you
both say ... 'Fukk You.'
The 5th kind of sex is called ... Religious Sex.
which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the
afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
The 6th kind is called ... Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife/husband any more. She/he
takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And . Last ... But not least ...
The 7th kind of sex is called ... Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.
Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.
''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''
''Yes, I remember him as a baby'' says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though" the mother confides.
''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''
''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''
''He's a martyr too'' says the mother quietly.
''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. "He would have been 18'', she whispers.
"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school''
''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
Welcome to the third race at the Honeymoon is Over Downs...
They're at the gate... and they're off!
Jumping out in the lead is romance and affection with domestic bliss close behind...
Its romance and affection and domestic bliss...
Here comes marriage vows and immediate child...
Romance and affection falling off quickly...
Mortgaged up the ass overtaking domestic bliss...
And here comes nasty attitude!
Followed by more children and drinking heavily...
Coming down the backstretch its drinking heavily moving past mortgaged up the ass.
But coming on strong on the outside its credit in shambles...
It's credit in shambles followed by I dont give a sh*t, nasty attitude and up yours...
Up yours challenging for second in the club house turn...
passing on the rail is I don't give a **** followed by the fcucking house, you cook like sh*t and I fcucked your brother...
Here they come spinning out of the turn!
I don't give a sh*t still in front, up yours challenging for the lead...
ups yours is neck and neck with I dont give a sh*t
I dont give a sh*t ahead by a length
coming on strong is I am out of here followed by the fcucking house!
And at the wire...
Its up yours, keep the fcucking house, I don't give a sh*t and I am out of here.
paddy's missus bought C&A underwear, so she knew which way round they went......
GRUNT 16V
19-10-10, 10:37 AM
wife in bed led on her stomach !!!
the husband comes home a bit frisky and says lay on your back for some fun !!
she replys ill be f"cked if i will !!!
he replys you will be buggered if you wont !!!!!!!
lol
brownbear
19-10-10, 12:06 PM
my gf said she is breaking up with me, she said I was far too kinky in the bedroom... I nearly spat her piss out when she told me
SR-Rally
20-10-10, 07:48 PM
If this one crossed the line please remove :) I always tell it to birds if I get chatting on a night out just to see there face lol
last night while I was putting my bins out I spotted a young homeless girl. She was dirty and smelt but I took sympathy on her and took her in. As I was bathing her down I became aroused and one thing lead to another, befor I new it I was making hot pashionate love to her, at one point I was banging her so hard I could have sworn she was alive!
Lol
Why is Michael Jackson crap at Chess?
Because he's dead.
dougie_boi
20-10-10, 08:11 PM
what happend to the ethiopian who smoked a joint?
died of the munchies
maddogdaz666
20-10-10, 08:19 PM
Alzheimer's Test
How fast can you guess these words?
1:F--K
2:PU-S-
3:S-X
4:P-N-S
5:BOO-S
6:--NDOM
Answers:
1:FORK
2:PULSE
3:SIX
4:PANTS
5:BOOKS
6:RANDOM
YOU GOT ALL 6 WRONG DIDNT YOU!?
What's blue and ****s old ladies?
Wayne Rooney in his new Man City top.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2025 vBulletin Solutions, Inc. All rights reserved.