Friday Funnies...

[wisewood]

The last coupel of hours at work are bound to drag like hell on a friday... a few funnies for ya.

:arrow: What is the definition of a tampon?
Dracula's tea-bag

:arrow: A man walks into a bar with a meat and potato pie on his head. The barman, bemused by this fellows taste is headgear says to him, "Why have you got a meat and potato pie on your head?"
"I always wear a meat and potato pie on my head on a Tuesday," the man replies.
"But it's only Monday today!" the barman explains.
"I must look like a right dickhead then!"

:arrow: Why do women wear make up and perfume ?
Because they're ugly and they smell

:arrow: What do you call two skunks having a 69?
Odour Eaters!

:arrow: Bill Gates dies and goes to Hell. Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever. Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.
Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option." "Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!" "That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.
"The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't!" "What about the PC?" "It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys," "Which three?" "Control, Alt and Delete."

:arrow: It's two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife are asleep, when suddenly the phone rings.
The husband picks up the phone and says, "Hello? ... How the hell do I know? What am I, the weather man?" and promptly slams the phone down. His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" The husband replies, "I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."

:arrow: Three rottweilers were in the waiting room at the vet's, and after a while they got talking.
"I was walking with my master," says the first one, "when a thug attacked him, so I chased the guy, caught him by the throat and savaged him to death. That's why I'm being put down."
"I was at home," begins the second dog, "when a burglar broke in and tried to nick the TV. So I pinned him to the floor, bit his arm off, and now I've been brought here to be put down."
The third rottweiler then told his story. "I was patrolling the house one evening, and I wandered into the bathroom to see my master's wife naked, bending over the tub, so I leapt up and gave her a good seeing-to from behind."
"What, and you're being put down for that?"
"Oh no, I'm just here to get my claws clipped."

***and my personal favorite...
:arrow: Q. What do you have if you've got a green ball in one hand and a green ball in the other?
A. Complete control of Kermit the frog.

[wisewood]

I changed my mind... this is my favorite!!!


John receives a phone call. "Hello," he answers. The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago." John: "Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?" Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport." John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?" Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself." John: "Say, you ARE a good sport."

[wisewood]

then again.... this is good too.



There is this guy who really takes care of his body. He lifts weights and jogs every day. One morning he's looking in the mirror, admiring his body, as is his habit. He notices, however, that he has an even, golden-brown tan all over his body with the exception of his dick, which is completely white. He immediately decides to do something about it. He goes to the beach early in the morning, and completely undresses, then buries himself in the sand, except for his snow-white member, which he leaves sticking out of the sand, liberally coated with sunscreen.
A while later, as the sun rises above the yardarm, two elderly ladies are strolling along the beach, one of them so rickety she is using a cane. They walk right up to where the man is buried, and notice his dick sticking out of the sand. One of the old ladies begins to poke his dick around with her cane. She turns to her companion and says, "There really is no justice in the world."
Her friend looks at her with some puzzlement and says, "What do you mean?" The cane-wielding lady says "When I was 20 I was curious about it, when I was 30 I enjoyed it, when I was 40 I asked for it, when I was 50 I paid for it, when I was 60 I prayed for it, and when I was 70 I forgot about it. Now that I'm 80 the damned things are growing wild and I'm too old to SQUAT!"

[wisewood]

This actually happeneed.

Scientists at Roll Royce built a gun specifically to
launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners,
and military jets , all traveling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of
collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager
to test it on the windshields of their new high speed
trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to
the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as
the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield,
smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the
engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the
cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous
results of the experiment, along with the designs of
the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.



Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:






"Defrost the chicken."