Need cheering up a bit ???

[wisewood]

This woman is walking by a pet shop and she sees a sign in the window that says 'Fanny-licking Frogs'. So she reckons I'll have a bit of this, goes in and the guy in the shop says "you're in luck, this is our last one". So she pays her money and heads home and that night strips off, lies on the bed and puts the frog between her legs...but nothing happens.
After a while she gives up, and decides to try the following night. But the next night there are no results, and none the night after that. So she decides to bring the frog back to the pet shop.
She storms in and says "What's the fucking story with this frog??" The guy in the shop says, "right, I'll sort this fella out". So he brings her out back and gets her to undress. He puts the frog on the table and says "now this is the last time I'll show you this..."

[wisewood]

Two newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on." The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers." He replies, "And don't forget that, I will always wear the pants in the family!"
The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!" He replies, "I can't get into your knickers!" "And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

[wisewood]

Two blokes, Mike and Jon, sitting in a pub having a pint, Jon is doing the crossword. "8 letters, centre of female pleasure..." He isn’t sure so asks his mate, "Mike, what has 8 letters and is the centre of female pleasure?"
Jon asks "Clitoris" Mike Replies "Do you know how you spell it?" "No" replies Mike "..but you should of asked me last night, it was tight on the tip of me toungue"

[wisewood]

Paddy the Irishman, Charles the Englishman and Jimmy the Scot visited a strip joint. The girl is shaking her stuff in front of them wearing a g-string. Paddy (showing off) pulls out a $20 bill, licks it and sticks it on her ass cheek.
Charles (trying to show up Paddy) pulls out a $50 bill, licks it and sticks it on her other ass cheek.
Jimmy pulls out his Visa card swipes it down the crack of her butt and puts the 20 and the 50 in his wallet.

[wisewood]

A welsh man takes his driving test. The driving instructor asks " Can you make a U-Turn?" The welsh man replies, "Yeah, I can make its fucking eyes water."

[wisewood]

A guy goes to the doctors to complain about the terrible headaches he is having. The doctor says, "I know what's wrong, I used to have the same problem." The man listens on, "The way I cured it was I went home and had sex with my wife every night for two weeks straight."
"I'll try that then, see you in a fortnight." says the man. Two weeks later the man returns to the doctors, "I'm cured!" he says, "Thank you so much, and by the way your house is lovely!"

[wisewood]

A farmer is having problems with his prize stallion and decides to ring the local vet. So the vet comes round and asks what the problem is. "Well" says the farmer "he seems to be having a bit of trouble 'getting wood' as it were, can you help?". "That's easy" says the vet, and reaches inside his bag and pulls out a long rubber glove. He puts it on right up to his elbow and shove his arm up the nearest mare's front bottom. He rummages around for a bit then pulls his hand out and wipes the gunk all over the stallion's face. The stallion gets very excited, gets the biggest boner it's had for weeks and proceeds in humping the living daylights out the mare. The farmer is amazed by this and turns to the vet. "Look, I've been happily married for 25 years but recently I've had a bit of trouble in the same department, do you think the same thing would work for me?". The vet doesn't see any problem with this and after being paid leaves.
When the farmer gets back indoors, he finds his wife has gone to bed early, so he creeps upstairs into his bedroom. His wife is fast asleep, so he rolls up her nightie and inserts his hand in her front bottom. He then rubs his hand all over his face and gets very excited, he's got the best hard on he'd had in 25 years, so he wakes his wife up all excited and starts shouting "look Marjorie,look". She rolls over,takes one look and says "Why did you wake me up to tell me you had a nose bleed?"

[wisewood]

During a routine physical, a doctor tells his patient to drop his pants. After the examination, the doctor says to the man, "You have the filthiest balls I've ever seen!" The guy goes home to his wife and says, "I want to talk to you about something."
She replies, "Not now, I've been so busy lately that I haven't had time to wipe my arse!" He says, "That's what I want to talk to you about."

[wisewood]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Three girls are sat in their bedroom discussing what they are going to do that night. Whilst deciding, they hear a knock at the front door. Their dad answers it, to find a lad standing their. "Hiya' my names Lance, I've come to pick up Flance, to take her to the Dance, any chance?", "Sure" says the Dad, and with this Flance leaves for the Dance with Lance.
A short while later there is another knock at the door, again the Dad answers, and it's another lad who says "Hello sir, I'm Joe, I've come to pick up Flo, to take her to the show, can she go?, the Dad says o.k. and away she goes to the show.
The one girl left in on her own feels a bit left out, when finally there is another knock at the door, which again the dad answers. "Hiya, my names Tucker" "You can fuck off" Shouts the dad as the door slams shut.

[wisewood]

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm
lookin' fer the meanest, roughest, toughest whore in the Yukon!" he
growled to the bartender.
"Well, we got her!" barked the barkeep. "She's upstairs ...second room
on the right."
The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and
two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open
the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest,
roughest, toughest whore in the Yukon!"
The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "Well, you
found her!" She then stripped naked, bent over and grabbed both ankles.
"How'd ya know I like to do it in that position?" asked the miner.
"I didn't," replied the whore, "but I thought ya might like to open them beers before we get started."

[wisewood]

:D


Hope that cheered you up a bit > and before anyone says anything about me post slagging, i posted them spereately as otherwise you''d be less likely to read through the whole HUGE post wouldnt you...

[Nova-Boy]

Where did you get all those from? Must have been a copy and paste job!?

[wisewood]

well look at the times on the posts, i can type quick, but not that quick :lol:



i got htem from a top secret source which i shall be raiding on a regular basis to brighten up the forum a bit :D

[Dave]

so you too wise have a top secret source of funnys!!

[Chris LR]

lol @ Welshman

[Mel]

hahahah like um wise...brightened up my day :wink: