Jokes uget via TXT

[sparkie1401]

i have loads

and ill get loads up over the next few days please feel free to post yours




girl says to boyfriend , u make love like u decorate, he replies "what...slow with smooth strokes and professional finish. she replys no ...more like the fcuking council , u just bang it up , leave a r8 mess & i have to finish the fcuking job myself

[pikey1986]

fpmsl brilliant

[mayhem]

2 years ago my holiday to indonesia got cancelled due to the tsunami
last year my holiday to haitti got cancelled due to the earthquake

next year i'm going to morocco..i cant wait!

[sparkie1401]

i have recently signed my dog up for job seekers allowance, he should be elligable! he's Black, stinks, cant speak english and has no idea who is father is

lol

[xe_nova9]

lol ^ heard that before

This is off the top of my head.

One day there was this woman who had a really flat chest, she went to see Dr Zeus to see if there was anything he could do.

She tells him that she wants bigger boobies, so he says, 'You have to say, ooobeee dooobeee dooobeee, I want bigger boobies, say that 100 times a day for a month and they'll soon grow.

A month passes and she finally had mahooooosive boobs. She was getting on the bus one day and the bus driver said,

'Dr Zeus'
'How did you know?' said the woman'
'Hickory dickory dock' He replies.

[sparkie1401]

the mother of the 5 yr old from oldham taken hostage from Pakistan has made an emotional appeal............................................ ...........................................


































can someone cover his shift in the shop this weekend lol

[Southie]

SHAG !
Funny word isnt it...
To a smoker its a type of tobacco.
To an American its a dance.
To an ornethologist its a bird.
And to you, ya ugly ****er, its just a remote possibility !...

[Southie]

God visits a man and tells him he must give up smoking, drinking and sex if he wants to get into heaven... The man says he'll try.. God visits the man a week later to see how he's getting on.. "Not bad" says the man, "I've given up smoking and drinking but when the wife bent over the freezer I had to **** her up the ****"..They dont like that in heaven replies God.. The man says "They're not too ****in happy about it in Asda either!"

[Southie]

2 irish blokes are out hunting in the woods wen paddy says 'im busting 4 a **** but havent got anything 2 wipe my **** on' murphy says 'well if u hav got a fiver use that' so paddy goes off for 5 minutes & comes back with **** all over his hands & clothes murphy says 'WHAT THE FUC.K HAPPEND 2 U?' paddy looks at him & goes 'hav u ever tried 2 wipe ur **** with 3 pound coins 5 20ps & 2 50pence pieces.

[novaguy08]

I cant post mine.

2 reasons, the good ones are on my old and broken phone & 2 the ones I can remeber are incredibly racist (father-in-law)

[Southie]

Man farts in bed & Says to wife "1 nil"
Wife farts and says "1 all"
Man farts again & says "2-1"
Wife farts & says "2 all"
Man farts, follows thru and ****s the bed.
Wife says "what the **** was that ?"
Man says "half time swap sides"

[Southie]

Two junkie Indians injected curry powder instead of smack, they got rushed to hospital, one's in a korma and the other's got a dodgy tikka.

[novaguy08]

oh heres one.

Couple are getting along perfectly, apart from one thing, every morning just before he wakes up the man lets out the most almighty fart, stinks out the room and lifts the covers off the bed, the woman is really fed up and says that one day he will fart his guts out his o-ring, he laughs about it.

Early next morning she wakes up and takes the Turkey Giblets and neck out the fridge that she saved took them upstairs and VERY carefully put them into his shorts, then went downstairs to await the fun.

About 10mins later she hears it, "PPPAAAAARRRRRPPPPP!! What the F*CK!?" then it all goes quiet, about half an hour later he comes down and says "You were right, I farted my guts out, took me half an hour and a tub of Vaseline, but I got them back in alright!!"

[stupot89]

a vampire walks into a bar and says "boiling water please". the bar man says i thought you lot only drank blood? the vampire pulls out a tampon and says im making a brew.

[burgo]

a vampire walks into a bar and says "boiling water please". the bar man says i thought you lot only drank blood? the vampire pulls out a tampon and says im making a brew.thats wrong

[bsa_man]

I was raping this girl the other night when in the middle of it she says, "PLEASE! PLEASE!!!.....think of my children!!!!!

Kinky bitch!!

[auzzy2000]

Chaos reigns at the winter olympics.After the death in the luge,the irish bobsleigh team are now refusing to compete until the course is gritted!!

[auzzy2000]

Just driving my new toyota prius!!Chat later cant stop..

[mowgli]

panic ensued at the annual homosexual paranoid schizophrenic's panto when someone yelled out 'HE'S BEHIND YOU'

[sparkie1401]

what do 9 out of 10 people prefer????????



















































Gang rape!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol

[mayhem]

dear god

in all your wisdom, you tested my strength last year and took my favourite singer to you
you took my favourite writer to you
you took my favourite actrice to you

i would like to say that i'm also a Chelsea fan

[Lee]

An old lady walks into a police station and exclaims 'i've been Graped'

The desk sergeant looks at her and says 'surely you mean Raped'?

The old lady says 'no, there was a bunch of them!'

[sparkie1401]

Hi babe ive finally left that w4nker ashley, im on my way round to you BIG boy, and im HORNY as fcuk, love you Cheryl xXx ( Carlsberg dont do txt messages, but if they did you'd be the last Cun7 she would send that to) lol

[sparkie1401]

started a new job at the samaritans last week, tried to ring in sick this morning and the b4stards talked me out of it lol

[Hayley]

Great, another Monday.
Ive been to the gym, had a nice hot shower and ive just picked up a bottle of home brew off a neighbour for this afternoon. Ive got a few spliffs rolled up for the Xbox tournament with the lads, after which ill muck about online with some porn and gambling sites..

















I ****ing love prison

[sparkie1401]

couple driving home run over a badger, they stop an discover its still alive but very cold

the chap says put it between your legs to keep it warm, the woman replies but its all wet and smells, its ok replies her husband just hold the badgers nose


lol

[wwmnw]

A bloke rings work and says to his boss 'I cant come in today I'm sick' his boss asks 'how sick?' he replies 'well I'm in bed with my disabled sister.'

[Southie]

God made man and then rested. God made women and then no-one rested.

[novaguy08]

Man walks into a pharmacist and asks to buy 3 condoms, bragging he says "I think im going to need these tonight! Going round my Girlfriends house tonight giving her some, her sister some and I think her mum fancies me too!!"

Later on he gets to his girlfriends house and sits down for dinner with her mum, sister and her dad walks in! he bows his head and starts to pray "dear god, thank you for this dinner which we have", 10 mins later he is still praying, so the girlfriend says "I didnt know he was so religious?!" to which the man says "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!!"