novaboyopr
22-06-09, 01:00 PM
epic post on 205 drivers forum. made me laugh.
Sorry if its a DPM, but make me giggle!
Also a tad long, but deffo worth a read imo!
Also had better add, I robbed it from a local car site I use! :0
The 3some... explained. sorry it is so long - but you lot did ask. I though as this place has got a bit serious and heavy, I'd finally cheer you up with another of my epic fails. The 3some:
The first excuse is I had just split with my girlfriend, and being shallow - needed to move on... fast. And I had an all expenses hotel room for two bought and paid for by my company.
But first - let me explain about Ashley, the victim, uh - I mean woman. She was a friends mum. Back when I used to sleep over at my mates house as a kid - I was 10 and thought she was hot as f**k. I used to w**k obsessively thinking of her. In their bathroom was the laundery basket and I swiped a pair of her knick-knicks. Droped em on my face and proceeded to 'fire the custard cannon' inhaling the mushroomy sent.
Problem was I was in the friends house who's mum it was, and we were in bunk beads. Russel, the friend below me was "Uh..... what you doin??"
I forgot he was there...
"I'm, er, having an Asthma attack. Stop talking you are ruining it... Oh and cover your eyes!"
The friendship ended when I wiped my **** on his pillow.
Fast forward 20 years or so, and I am in a hotel in Leeds. Very, very pissed. As I said I was recently single, so invited my mate Bulldog along. For those of you who know Bulldog, I asked all my proper mates but was too short notice. Bulldog fell off his bike as a kid, and has lots of scarring on his head where hair doesn't grow. He looks like he got chewed up by a dog - hence bulldog. I am drinking to forget the choice of idiot I have brought with me - Bulldog eating his normal diet of pills!
The conferance at the hotel I was staying at (why I was there) - so was rammed with women, and I am hitting on every single one. I was on about my 25th 'f**k off' - then.... "OH MY GOD - is that you... it IS you.... hi yoooooooou"
Ashley - Russels mum. Time had not been kind to old Ashley.
She told me about her difficult break up... she said I hadn't aged a bit, but she had as she has liver failure, leaving her skin sallow.
Me - pissed, told her I used to w**k over her at 11, and stole her panties.
So I am flirting, getting booglie and being a tw*t.
She - to my total shock is flirting back.
So, me, being all sensitive said:
"How about you come upstairs and f**k me and my mate"
She said....."OK"
(didn't expect that)
.................................................. ......"Seriously??"
"Yeah - why not" says she
"f**k yeah" shouts Bulldog
"Shut up Bulldog" says I
So then, it turned in to a game of chicken as we walked to the lift.
"come on then" I said as I started walking
"OK" she said... following me
"I'm serious" I said.
"Me too" she said.
"I'm not joking" I said
"Good" she said.
"Me too" said Bulldog
"Shut the f**k up bulldog"
I remember thinking 'Oh s**t you've done it again - say your joking and stop this!'
By now - we had got to the lift. I had sobered up real fast. I am beginning to think this is a bad idea. It was a joke. After the Banana lady - I leaned that fantasy is better than reality. But I called it, and had way too much pride. You gotta know when to hold em and when to fold em.
In the lift, with its harsh overhead lighting - she was not pretty, sagging skin and yellow liver failure eyes. In the mirrored walls I could see Bulldong shuffling about with excited tension, playing with himself through his trouser pocket. It was repulsive, right there I should have hit the alarm button and f**ked off.
So, we get in my room. Of all the things you have read about me, this was by far the most awkward moment to date. My old mate's elderly, liver failing mum, drunk. My junkie mate looking like he is going to have a stroke and grinning like Forrest Gump, touching his c**k through his pockets. And me. All looking at each other like a western gun fight is about to start. Nobody actually tells you how these things get going, you just start making random small talk.
I said "Chilly today isnt it"
Bulldog: "Huh??"
Ashley: "what? thats not very sexy"
I remember this next bit, as it is one of my epic FAILS. I had to say something sexy, and wild, but didn't know what to say - all nervous I honestly said the following.....
"Uh, yeaaaah..... my d*ck feels like corn"
corn... CORN?? what the f**k was I thinking, corn? I panicked and said the first thing t come to mind and it was corn. Lucky for me - she didn't miss a beat and said "Yeah, let me put some butter on it"
....and thats how it started
Bulldog was so amped his head went red with all the scars white, So - I thought, f**k it - get in first. We started kissing. Even that was awful, it was like a hovercraft drove over my face. Bulldog unbuttons his shirt, I get naked in a flash to beat him, go for the kill, bend Ashley over - cos I didn't want to do it face to face as she looked just like my 10 year old mate Russel - but with a vagina.
I plumb it in, so far so good. I am hammering away. For a short while it feels good and you forget the circumstances. I open my eyes and Bulldog right next to me - looking right in my face. Grinning. I didn't put any music on, so the only sound was like a dog walking through mud, only wetter, and my idiot mate right up in my face. So I whipered:
"f**k off"
"What?"
"f**k - off"
"f**k yeahhhh"
"No - f**k off"
"My go!!"
"What"
"Gimme a go"
"I just started"
"Im gonna blow - let me go"
with that he shuffles off in the corner and I can see him out of the corner of my eye getting undressed 'FFLAPP' there was a wet slapping sound, as if someone hit Bulldog, I snap my head around to look... 'f**k MEEEEEE'
It was Bulldogs c**k. It was f**king huge. Like a comedy rubber, foot long, lady slaying monster d*ck. The noise was as it swung and slapped his thigh!! He then starts wagging it about, trying to get blood in it cos it is too big to just 'wood up' like a normal-un.
You know that old footage of the girl in Viatnam - running down the street naked, all burned from Napalm and screaming - that is how I felt right there. How the f**k am I supposed to compete with that? I am flapping a sub-standard baby d*ck and he is packing a monster!! I know us guys are insecure about the size of our c**ks, but f**k me!! This ugly, f**king fat retard looking idiot, is swinging a giant c**k about.
Now, let me just clear up the size issue. It matters. A lot. Trust me. Want to know how I know? Go into a sex shop. All the dildo's are thick 9+ inches or more of monster c**k. Never has a woman gone "Uhh, yeah - do you happen to have a sub-average size dildo?" Would never happen. NEVER HAPPEN. The only time you could by a c**k my size, all small and ugly with an awkward kink in the middle would be on a key ring. And it would be a joke.
"my go" Bulldog says again
I hadn't realised I had stopped moving. Just standing there, losing my erection while looking at his - and still in mates mum. So I pull out. Something about my idiot mate and his giant c**k killed the moment for me.
Now - you think everyone f**ks like you. You base your basic 'f**k technique' on porn, medium speed regular half second piston-like pumps. Well.... they dont. Bulldong as I now call him is naked but for shoes and socks. Still wagging it like he is going to smash her about the head with it. He closes in behind Ashley... Him grappling the monster with both hands, it so big it would bend in the middle, Flop out and swing around. He'd grab it again. it was like watching a guy try to post a python through a letterbox.
Then Ashley whent ooOOOOOHHHH s**t yeah - oh yeah.
Needless to say - she didn't say anything like that with me. I felt sooo s**t. Curse my button mushroom-like c**k. I didnt want to be there and my pride had just been flamed.
Then he started f**king - christ it was awful to see. Grunting and squeels, and hammering away like it was a race, like three hits a second machine gun on auto, frenzy f**k. Bulldog is a big fatty fat, fat. He looked like a giant baby with a monster c**k, f**king my mates mum. An image I will never forget - and the most traumatic I have yet to see. All I could think is 'I forgot to make noises! Are you supposed to make noises? He's doing the sex noises and she seems to like it - not only has he a fantastic c**k - he does noises!'
Sorry if its a DPM, but make me giggle!
Also a tad long, but deffo worth a read imo!
Also had better add, I robbed it from a local car site I use! :0
The 3some... explained. sorry it is so long - but you lot did ask. I though as this place has got a bit serious and heavy, I'd finally cheer you up with another of my epic fails. The 3some:
The first excuse is I had just split with my girlfriend, and being shallow - needed to move on... fast. And I had an all expenses hotel room for two bought and paid for by my company.
But first - let me explain about Ashley, the victim, uh - I mean woman. She was a friends mum. Back when I used to sleep over at my mates house as a kid - I was 10 and thought she was hot as f**k. I used to w**k obsessively thinking of her. In their bathroom was the laundery basket and I swiped a pair of her knick-knicks. Droped em on my face and proceeded to 'fire the custard cannon' inhaling the mushroomy sent.
Problem was I was in the friends house who's mum it was, and we were in bunk beads. Russel, the friend below me was "Uh..... what you doin??"
I forgot he was there...
"I'm, er, having an Asthma attack. Stop talking you are ruining it... Oh and cover your eyes!"
The friendship ended when I wiped my **** on his pillow.
Fast forward 20 years or so, and I am in a hotel in Leeds. Very, very pissed. As I said I was recently single, so invited my mate Bulldog along. For those of you who know Bulldog, I asked all my proper mates but was too short notice. Bulldog fell off his bike as a kid, and has lots of scarring on his head where hair doesn't grow. He looks like he got chewed up by a dog - hence bulldog. I am drinking to forget the choice of idiot I have brought with me - Bulldog eating his normal diet of pills!
The conferance at the hotel I was staying at (why I was there) - so was rammed with women, and I am hitting on every single one. I was on about my 25th 'f**k off' - then.... "OH MY GOD - is that you... it IS you.... hi yoooooooou"
Ashley - Russels mum. Time had not been kind to old Ashley.
She told me about her difficult break up... she said I hadn't aged a bit, but she had as she has liver failure, leaving her skin sallow.
Me - pissed, told her I used to w**k over her at 11, and stole her panties.
So I am flirting, getting booglie and being a tw*t.
She - to my total shock is flirting back.
So, me, being all sensitive said:
"How about you come upstairs and f**k me and my mate"
She said....."OK"
(didn't expect that)
.................................................. ......"Seriously??"
"Yeah - why not" says she
"f**k yeah" shouts Bulldog
"Shut up Bulldog" says I
So then, it turned in to a game of chicken as we walked to the lift.
"come on then" I said as I started walking
"OK" she said... following me
"I'm serious" I said.
"Me too" she said.
"I'm not joking" I said
"Good" she said.
"Me too" said Bulldog
"Shut the f**k up bulldog"
I remember thinking 'Oh s**t you've done it again - say your joking and stop this!'
By now - we had got to the lift. I had sobered up real fast. I am beginning to think this is a bad idea. It was a joke. After the Banana lady - I leaned that fantasy is better than reality. But I called it, and had way too much pride. You gotta know when to hold em and when to fold em.
In the lift, with its harsh overhead lighting - she was not pretty, sagging skin and yellow liver failure eyes. In the mirrored walls I could see Bulldong shuffling about with excited tension, playing with himself through his trouser pocket. It was repulsive, right there I should have hit the alarm button and f**ked off.
So, we get in my room. Of all the things you have read about me, this was by far the most awkward moment to date. My old mate's elderly, liver failing mum, drunk. My junkie mate looking like he is going to have a stroke and grinning like Forrest Gump, touching his c**k through his pockets. And me. All looking at each other like a western gun fight is about to start. Nobody actually tells you how these things get going, you just start making random small talk.
I said "Chilly today isnt it"
Bulldog: "Huh??"
Ashley: "what? thats not very sexy"
I remember this next bit, as it is one of my epic FAILS. I had to say something sexy, and wild, but didn't know what to say - all nervous I honestly said the following.....
"Uh, yeaaaah..... my d*ck feels like corn"
corn... CORN?? what the f**k was I thinking, corn? I panicked and said the first thing t come to mind and it was corn. Lucky for me - she didn't miss a beat and said "Yeah, let me put some butter on it"
....and thats how it started
Bulldog was so amped his head went red with all the scars white, So - I thought, f**k it - get in first. We started kissing. Even that was awful, it was like a hovercraft drove over my face. Bulldog unbuttons his shirt, I get naked in a flash to beat him, go for the kill, bend Ashley over - cos I didn't want to do it face to face as she looked just like my 10 year old mate Russel - but with a vagina.
I plumb it in, so far so good. I am hammering away. For a short while it feels good and you forget the circumstances. I open my eyes and Bulldog right next to me - looking right in my face. Grinning. I didn't put any music on, so the only sound was like a dog walking through mud, only wetter, and my idiot mate right up in my face. So I whipered:
"f**k off"
"What?"
"f**k - off"
"f**k yeahhhh"
"No - f**k off"
"My go!!"
"What"
"Gimme a go"
"I just started"
"Im gonna blow - let me go"
with that he shuffles off in the corner and I can see him out of the corner of my eye getting undressed 'FFLAPP' there was a wet slapping sound, as if someone hit Bulldog, I snap my head around to look... 'f**k MEEEEEE'
It was Bulldogs c**k. It was f**king huge. Like a comedy rubber, foot long, lady slaying monster d*ck. The noise was as it swung and slapped his thigh!! He then starts wagging it about, trying to get blood in it cos it is too big to just 'wood up' like a normal-un.
You know that old footage of the girl in Viatnam - running down the street naked, all burned from Napalm and screaming - that is how I felt right there. How the f**k am I supposed to compete with that? I am flapping a sub-standard baby d*ck and he is packing a monster!! I know us guys are insecure about the size of our c**ks, but f**k me!! This ugly, f**king fat retard looking idiot, is swinging a giant c**k about.
Now, let me just clear up the size issue. It matters. A lot. Trust me. Want to know how I know? Go into a sex shop. All the dildo's are thick 9+ inches or more of monster c**k. Never has a woman gone "Uhh, yeah - do you happen to have a sub-average size dildo?" Would never happen. NEVER HAPPEN. The only time you could by a c**k my size, all small and ugly with an awkward kink in the middle would be on a key ring. And it would be a joke.
"my go" Bulldog says again
I hadn't realised I had stopped moving. Just standing there, losing my erection while looking at his - and still in mates mum. So I pull out. Something about my idiot mate and his giant c**k killed the moment for me.
Now - you think everyone f**ks like you. You base your basic 'f**k technique' on porn, medium speed regular half second piston-like pumps. Well.... they dont. Bulldong as I now call him is naked but for shoes and socks. Still wagging it like he is going to smash her about the head with it. He closes in behind Ashley... Him grappling the monster with both hands, it so big it would bend in the middle, Flop out and swing around. He'd grab it again. it was like watching a guy try to post a python through a letterbox.
Then Ashley whent ooOOOOOHHHH s**t yeah - oh yeah.
Needless to say - she didn't say anything like that with me. I felt sooo s**t. Curse my button mushroom-like c**k. I didnt want to be there and my pride had just been flamed.
Then he started f**king - christ it was awful to see. Grunting and squeels, and hammering away like it was a race, like three hits a second machine gun on auto, frenzy f**k. Bulldog is a big fatty fat, fat. He looked like a giant baby with a monster c**k, f**king my mates mum. An image I will never forget - and the most traumatic I have yet to see. All I could think is 'I forgot to make noises! Are you supposed to make noises? He's doing the sex noises and she seems to like it - not only has he a fantastic c**k - he does noises!'