Haynes Manuals

[Mr Dan]

Hope this hasn't been posted before either but I saw it on another board:


Haynes Manuals,
The truth revealed.......

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - thats the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing them re-check the manual because this can not be 'lightly' what you are doing now.

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, 'ikkle number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to
you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: But Nova's are easy to maintain right... right? So you think three Nova spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two spanner job.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it
afterwards!!!

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage for whilst muttering "bug ger" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!

:lol:

[wisewood]

LMFAO.

[Chris LR]

Yeah has been on befroe, also avalible from www.vaux-nova.co.uk

[Anton]

LMAO thats good :lol:

[Dicko]

eheheh

[Chris LR]

I like this bit, entitled, Are you a racer?


You think the primary purpose of wings is to PREVENT flight.

You feel compelled on a road trip to beat your previous best time.

You are happiest when your road car's tires are worn to racing depth
(wear bars showing).

When something falls off of your car, you wonder how much weight you
just saved.

When you hear 'overcooked it', instead of food you think 'off the
track'.

You change engine oil every other week.

You sometimes hear whimpering noises from your passengers when you
geton the throttle right after turning in.

You thoroughly enjoy showing the tailgater how to drive around a
roundabout.

Your racing budget is one of the big three -- mortgage, car
payments/maintenance.

Your email address refers to your race car rather than to you.

You push the shopping trolley through proper racelines through the
supermarket.

You perfected power sliding shopping trolleys between aisles at the
age of 8.

You've paid ?1.00 a litre for fuel without complaining.

You buy new parts because you don't know where you put the spares.

You bought a race car before buying a house.

You bought a race car before buying furniture for the new house.

You're looking for a tow vehicle and still haven't bought furniture!

You find that you need a new house because you've outgrown your
garage and the neighbours are threatening violence if you park one more
vehicle on the street or in the front yard.

The requirements you give your estate agent are (in order of
importance):

1) 3 car climate controlled garage with an attached workshop.
2) Outside parking for 6 cars, & trailer.
3) 3 phase 220V outlets in the garage for your welder.
4) A grease pit.
5) Convenient to a hazardous waste disposal site.
6) Deaf neighbours.
7) Across the street from a paint and body shop.
8)Some sort of house with a working toilet and shower on the ground
floor.

You sit in your race car in a dark garage and make car noises and
shift and practice your heel and toe, while waiting for your motor to get
back from the machine shop.

You look at the purchase of tools as a long term investment.

Your garage holds more cars than your house has bedrooms.

You have enough spare parts to build another car.

You have car parts in your locker at work.

If you can't remember when you last worked on weekdays and rested on
weekends.

After your answer to "What did you do this weekend?" the next
questionis always: "And you do this for fun? Right?"

You have a separate drawer for 'garage clothes'.

Your reading material in your bathroom consists of auto parts and
racing supply catalogs, and 400 car magazines,

People know you by your class letters, and car colour.

You talk to other cars on the road, calling them by the
manufacturer's name.

You complain when cars in front of you on motorway exit lanes don't
stay in lane, causing your exit speed to drop.

You refer to the corner down the road from your house as "Turn One."

You enjoy driving in the rain on the way to work.

Everywhere you go, you try to find the fastest line through the
turn.

You always do a toe & heel downshift while whoever might be your
passenger gives you a real funny look.

You can't stand anyone telling others how to drive. Of course, you
are the best.

You can't stand under steer.

You always want to change something in your road car to make it
handle better.

You hate long distance driving, but you will gladly drive 400 miles
to the race track.

You think that traction control and ABS are for those who can't
drive.

You save broken car parts as " momentous".

Your last several motorway forays included just brushing the curbs
as you apexed the slip roads perfectly....

The local tire shop won't honor the treadlife warranty on any car
you've been within 50 yards of...

You would choose a rollbar over air conditioning if it were an
option.

You enjoy driving through wet, empty parking lots and using the
handbrake to kick the back end out.

White smoke coming out from under your tires is a common sight.

You consider the redline a "conservative suggestion" and the rev
limiter "a fun limiter"

You spend more on insurance premiums than on food.

Your idea of a good time is sitting around figuring out gear ratios
and the ideal final drive ratio for given situations.

When someone refers to "The Good Book", you think of "The Haynes
manual"

You have parts shops/breakers yards programmed on your speed dialer.

You own three cars and only one of them is road legal.

You know the "racing line" of every turn in your daily commute,
including your alternate routes, and practice hitting them every
day.

You quote your street tyre wear life in weeks rather than miles.

You regularly live test your rev limiter on that straight that's a
little too long for 2nd but not worth going into 3rd for.

You've started looking for sponsors for your daily commute

and you see a deal on tyres and then buy a car to fit them to.

[Neil.]

haha they are both class.

[Mel]

LMAO!

[Tazzy]

LO, i think i have the second one on my computer, or very similer, the first one is quality!