best man speech

[scotty GSI]

Good evening chaps,

Best pals wedding on sat. coming, and muggins here is the best man!

Now as per School, Uni and indeed almost everything in my life ive left it to the last minute.

Suffice to say, my **** is now making buttons! lol

So any one on here done this gig before? Any pointers, tips or one-liners greatly appreciated.

[dj_wudgey]

well i havent but my mate didnt do one when he was best man you dont have to but i supose you'd look a crapy best man lol

[Matt]

Get some embarassing old photos of him up on a projector with a funny story or something - always goes down a treat. Have a look on some of those best man speech websites too, apparently they're quite good. Here for example: http://www.thebestmanspeech.com/

[brainsnova]

i done one best to keep it simple and make everyone laugh and end it by raising a glass to the couple.

[dj_wudgey]

i wouldent have a clue what to do me lol

[scotty GSI]

Get some embarassing old photos of him up on a projector with a funny story or something - always goes down a treat. Have a look on some of those best man speech websites too, apparently they're quite good. Here for example: http://www.thebestmanspeech.com/

Im on there just now! lol.

Got a cracking first line watching peep show series 4 today. Marks weeding, superblol

[Jack]

I've prepared a checklist for saturday:

[_] Get drunk
[_] Fall onto the cake
[_] Insult bride's parents
[_] Grope bride
[_] Attempt to snog bride
[_] Attempt to impregnate bride
[_] Inform all attendees - loudly - of above three actions

If its being held at a Church, wait til the vicar is in earshot and tell someone how you're a practising satanist and intend to "bless" the wedding by setting fire to the church after the ceremony :D

[draper]

stand up, look at the groom and say "bet you wish we'd never had that bet now"

[Pistol Pete]

Good evening chaps,

Best pals wedding on sat. coming, and muggins here is the best man!

Now as per School, Uni and indeed almost everything in my life ive left it to the last minute.

Suffice to say, my **** is now making buttons! lol

So any one on here done this gig before? Any pointers, tips or one-liners greatly appreciated.

:eek: saturday??? Better late than never i guess....

"if you're looking for wit and humor in my speech, then i'm your man. People have been looking for wit and humor in my speeches for years..."

"their love is pure and simple. [brides name] is pure and [grooms name] is simple..."

As you may have already found, alot of bestman.com sites charge. There are some speech books out there that may help. Good luck.

[rubachuk]

Most of the best man sites have sample speeches that you can read before you pay up. What I did was read through the free samples on a few sites, printed off the good ones, highlighted the good bits I wanted to include and then mashed it all together, personalised it and added a funny story. Went down really well.

I didn't start until the Thursday so don't worry about it.

[rubachuk]

Right, seeing as I'm at work and some of the stuff a got for my speech is here on my computer I've pasted bits of the speech and some other paragraphs and jokes I downloaded at the time for you to go at.

Firstly I’d like to congratulate Leon on a truly magnificent speech. I always knew it would be difficult to follow one of your speeches, and I was right …..I could hardly follow a word of it!

We are here to celebrate a love match Pure & Simple, Anna is Pure and Leon is, well he’s not exactly Stephen Hawking

A wise man once told me that a best man’s speech should last only as long as it takes the groom to perform his manly duties in the bedroom………thank you and enjoy the rest of your day (BEGIN TO SIT DOWN).

No seriously (look at watch), you’ve got another minute and a half if I include taking his shoes and socks off. I will try to keep this speech short in order to save my own throat…if I go on too long then Leon and Anna have threatened to cut it.

I must say that Anna looks absolutely stunning. As for Leon…… he just looks stunned! No Leon looks the part even though he has copied my outfit.

When Leon first asked me to be his best man I was initially thrilled at the prospect. However it didn't take long for this feeling of well being to dissolve into utter apprehension as I remembered the last time I had to stand up in front of a room full of people. I was found guilty and fined £200…...Honestly, I only stopped for directions ?????

It is a real honour to be Leon’s best man, as well as slightly daunting …….But he’s assured me, if I do a good job today he’ll let me be the best man at his next wedding !!
As best man, it’s one of my jobs to make sure that the groom arrives at the ceremony on time, sober, and looking good. Well 2 out of 3 isn't bad. After all look what I have to work with….. I'm best man, not a magician

Believe it or not, I’ve done quite a bit of research towards this speech today, and because Leon is in computers, I decided to look on the Internet.
After a while...I finally found some REALLY GOOD stuff…...
But it had nothing to do with being a best man…....

"I’d like to mention Leon’s good points. Leon is intelligent, caring, trusting and good luck ........ look …..... (squint at speech and look at groom) I’m really sorry mate; I can’t read your handwriting”

"So Leon and Anna have decided to get married for better or for worse..... which is quite appropriate really..... as Leon couldn’t have done any better, and Anna certainly couldn’t have done any worse.

"Leon is a man of hidden talents…and as soon as I find one I will let you know!"

"When I first met Anna my impression was of a beautiful, witty, charming, clever, friendly and thoughtful person, but she soon ruined this by agreeing to marry Leon.

"Leon truly is a lucky man today marrying Anna; She is a wonderful lady who deserves a good husband … So I think Leon has done a fantastic job at marrying her before she had a chance to find one."

"I started writing down all the humorous stories involving GROOM and his antics (bring out pile of index cards), then I realised that I would have remove any controversial or rude stories. Firstly I removed all the Ladyboy stories (drop half the cards), then all the Bestiality stories (drop more cards), finally the Rentboy stories, (drop all cards bar one), and that left me with a rather dodgy kiddy back ride story"

"I must say that Anna looks absolutely stunning, and as for Leon he looks absolutely stunned! No Paul looks the part even though he has copied my outfit.

Swap it round a bit, personalise it, insert amusing story, something lewd about bridesmaids, thank people for coming, baking cakes etc,

End with something soppy for the toast:

Finally it gives me great pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses to Leon and Anna. I am sure everyone here today would like to wish them both good health,
happiness and a wonderful life together.

‘’’May your love be modern enough to survive the times and old-
fashioned enough to last forever.’’’



Hope it helps. Don't worry too much, most people will be pi$$ed and won't care anyway.

[Mazz]

Here's mine for my Brother's wedding a few years ago:

Hello everyone!
Can you all hear me ok at the back? Over in the corner? And you lot over by the bar?....Well in that case can

someone please get me large vodka a can of red-bull and put it on Mom's tab..

This is only going to be a short speech because of my throat.. If I go on too long Kim's threatened to cut it!

Now I'm sorry if I appear a little nervous, its because I am. If the truth be known I’m terrified about making

this speech. I've spent many a-night awake, trying plan it to no avail. Infact, I was so nervous about doing this

speech I asked the groom for some advice on how to prepare for talking to a large audience.

He told me to imagine that you are all naked.....but I haven't got a very good imagination so if you don't mind,

we are going to give it a go. (Stares, winks at people)

He also told me not to talk about cars, football, in-jokes or sex. He said "just talk about what a top bloke I

am."
But I’m really not here to make a fool of him. He’ll do that himself, a little later...

As this is my first experience of being Best Man, I had a look on the internet for some help. After a while, I

finally found some really good stuff, but it had nothing to do with being a best man...
But the one thing I did find said "Do your own thing, but make sure of Four main important tasks.."

Help the groom dress himself. - It took a while, but I did eventually manage to persuade him that the Church had a

strict 'no jeans and trainers door policy'.
Make sure he's been to the toilet - I sent him in there, but I wasn’t going to make sure.
Make sure his face and hair were OK - but if God couldn’t get it right, what hope did I have?
And make sure there was nothing between his teeth, or was that his ears?

Now at this point in my speech I would have liked to have told you about the stag night. I wanted to tell you how

drunk Drew got, the mischief that he got up to and even about the night clubs he got thrown out of, but the law of

the stag clearly state "what happens on the stag night, stays on the stag night" Also Drew's solicitor has advised

caution until the court case next month..

So instead of that, i've found a few pieces of advise, which I hope he will find useful in
the years to come


1. There are 5 rings involved in marriage: Engagement ring, wedding ring,
suffering, torturing and enduring.

2. Always tell your wife those 3 important little word's . "you're right
dear".

3. It's also very important to get on with your mother-in-law. One of my
friends didn't speak to his mother-in-law for first 12 months of thier marrage, but not because he didn't like

her. He just thought that it was rude to interrupt. (sorry Chris)

Now I don't know if any of you have realised by now, but the seating arrangement was actually decided after the

wedding gifts were received, so can I say thank you on behalf of Drew and Kim to all of you at the back for the

lightbulbs and socks..

Being Drew's brother, if you can believe it, I've known him longer than most people, but I think that he chose me

to be his best-man because of my loyalty, strong sense of morality and my sence of humour. But mainly because of

the fact that I have'nt been present at his more, compromising situations of child-hood. As his brother, this puts

me at a serious disadvantage with regards to this occasion; to my innocent eyes his life has been one of bike

rides, climbing trees in the park and pretending to be action man, and to be honest I don't really think much has

changed!

HOWEVER

I have done some research in this grey-area, and have received some helpful information from his mates by e-mail

and spoken word, which is all documented HERE.

[drop large wad of paper onto table]

but there is no way that I am reading all of this out now. However, if anyone is interested, I will be at the bar

later and the price for a look is a pint.

Or if you prefer Drew, you can have this for the price of one pint per episode....cash upfront of course.

But all joking aside, he has been a great brother and a good friend..


Now the serious part:


Ladies and gentlemen, can I thank you all for attending this wonderful occasion. You can all agree that today has

been a great success so far and they both look absolutely stunning, even though he has copied my suit...

I'd like to say thankyou to the beautiful bridesmaids, who have done a fabulous job today.
And just so he doesn't feel left out, Nick, you look beautiful too...
So if you could please raise your glasses again. To the bridesmaids and the usher
And on behalf of myself.......I wish you all would have stayed at home because it would have been a hell of a lot

easier on me!

Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to

Drew and Kim.

We wish them well for the future, and hope they enjoy a long and happy marriage.

I give you a final toast to "The Bride & Groom."

[scotty GSI]

Fantastic stuff lads! Speeches are superb :thumb:

Had a brain storming session last night and stayed up till two scribbiling down ideas and funny stories from yesteryear.

Got Wed, Thur, Fri off work so sure i'll be able to sort something out.

Just got to keep my nerve, not sure if a little dutch courage is a good or bad idea.lol

[dj_wudgey]

ha ha youve got some help there dude lol

[Emmy]

Haha Pete lol

I would practice a couple of different speechs and wouldnt make them too long, its always good for people to be reminded of a special or funny moment of the couple! I would try and stay relaxed if you can and hopefully eveything works out great.

[kenny_afh]

maybe a bit short notice to organise it but im sure my brother in laws best man put an envelope full of embarrassing photos of the groom on all the tables and instructed everyone to open them at the appropriate time and got a great laugh out of everyone as he explained the photos

[dave.gsi]

some cracking stuff up there ^^ lol

not sure how well the ladyboy/rentboy joke would go down in front of the brides mum though :D

[dj_wudgey]

some cracking stuff up there ^^ lol

not sure how well the ladyboy/rentboy joke would go down in front of the brides mum though :D

i was thinking that like lol

[Pistol Pete]

Another good line to add in...Ask everyone "to be up standing and raise thier glasses", as the do so "to the bar staff..."

Looks like you have some stuff towork off though. Good luck with it. Dont have loads to drink to clam the nerves. It will make you worse!

[scotty GSI]

Another good line to add in...Ask everyone "to be up standing and raise thier glasses", as the do so "to the bar staff..."

Looks like you have some stuff towork off though. Good luck with it. Dont have loads to drink to clam the nerves. It will make you worse!

Cheers mate, im actually working on it just now. Starting to come together quite nicely:thumb:

Just like being back at school, 'Scott most finish off his speech and not watch shameless / go on png' x100 lines lol