View Full Version : really funny clean jokes needed
my biggest daughter, aged 10 is taking part in a jokeathon at school for comic relief, and needs tons of clean jokes....please help as I don't actually know any......
Pistol Pete
12-03-09, 08:19 PM
I find that hard to belive. You do come out with some witty remarks on here...
Horse walks into a bar......barman says why the long face! I'll get me coat lol
andrew1988
12-03-09, 09:02 PM
A man walks into a bar, says ouch
Edit: Writing that is a new low. Im going to find you a good clean joke!
andrew1988
12-03-09, 09:06 PM
Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
She didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills.
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Hatch.
Hatch who?
Cover your mouth when you sneeze!
What about the pulp fiction one about ketchup?
I find that hard to belive. You do come out with some witty remarks on here...
thankyou for the compliment, but the sort of jokes I'm after are the sort that she could tell in front of a school full of nice children......& teachers
teachers ya say? fit uns?
what ya call a blind deer?
no eye deer!
scotty GSI
12-03-09, 09:31 PM
What do you call an exploding monkey?
A Baboom! :D
I'll be here all night:thumb:
andrew1988
12-03-09, 09:32 PM
What do you call an exploding monkey?
A Baboom! :D
I'll be here all night:thumb:
I just LOL'd
sulphur
12-03-09, 09:40 PM
Paddy says to Mick
"Set the alarm for 5 in the mornin' will ya"
Mick replies,
"**** off, there's only two of us"
Always makes me chuckle.:)
Obviously, change the word in stars. lol
i actually have a worse one...
paddy goes to H Samuels and asks for a potato clock......
the assistant says ' we have never been asked for one before, whats it for?'
Paddy replies 'Well, oi start me new job tomorra and oi got to get a potato clock'
TAXI!!!!!
Pistol Pete
12-03-09, 09:48 PM
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fshhhhhh.....
id lay off insulting other nations aswell lol
Whats red and shoots across the floor?
A Mouse in a Ferrari.
How do you know if theres a Mouse in your house?
You'll hear his Ferrari.
How do you know if theres an Elephant in your Fridge?
Footprints in the Butter
How do you know if theres 2 Elephants in your Fridge?
The door wont close, DUH!!
How do you know if theres a Gorilla in the Pub?
You'll see his bike Outside
How do you know if theres 2 Gorillas in the Pub?
There'll be a dent in the cross bar.
****Note: Paddy jokes will result in violent death for Posters****
Nova_Sean
12-03-09, 09:50 PM
A New survey has revealed that 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy...
Paddy asks murphy 'why do scuba divers fall of the boat backwards?'
Murphey replies 'you thick git, if they fell fowards they'd still be i the boat!
Pistol Pete
12-03-09, 09:52 PM
Paddy and Murphy walk past the job agency...Paddy says to Murphy "look tree fellers wanted, pity there only 2 of us"....
2 asians wanted for rape
****ing pakis get all the best jobs !!
dod, at what point did I say my paddy was irish???? he could easily be from most of the south west of england, or birmingham...
What noise do cows with no lips make...
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooo
Shakespeare walks into a pub, the barman looks him up and down.
Sorry mate your Bard
2 asians wanted for rape
****ing pakis get all the best jobs !!
http://tbn1.google.com/images?q=tbn:7fJ12wJqLwS0RM:http://www.ukgameshows.com/page/images/thumb/6/61/Walker_roy.jpg/150px-Walker_roy.jpg (http://images.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=http://www.ukgameshows.com/page/images/thumb/6/61/Walker_roy.jpg/150px-Walker_roy.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.ukgameshows.com/page/index.php%3Ftitle%3DRoy_Walker&usg=__n0QkI-9BntQX3wQBPGtxlxwVF0I=&h=226&w=150&sz=13&hl=en&start=2&tbnid=7fJ12wJqLwS0RM:&tbnh=108&tbnw=72&prev=/images%3Fq%3Droy%2Bwalker%26gbv%3D2%26hl%3Den)its not the right answer......
Pistol Pete
12-03-09, 09:57 PM
****Note: Paddy jokes will result in violent death for Posters****
Oh noes....
dod, at what point did I say my paddy was irish???? he could easily be from most of the south west of england, or birmingham...
You didnt but its basicially an unsaid rule realisticially. "Paddy and Murphy" They're hardly French. lol
Nova_Sean
12-03-09, 09:58 PM
Facist edit
how do you get 4 elephants in a mini?
2 in the front 2 in the back
how do you get 4 giraffes in a mini?
take the elephants out....
how do you get 2 whales on a motorbike???
go up the m4 and over the severn bridge!!!!!!!
jethro goes to H Samuels and asks for a potato clock......
the assistant says ' we have never been asked for one before, whats it for?'
jethro replies 'Well, oi start me new job tomorra and oi got to get a potato clock'
See DOD, it does work in other languages
why does jethro have an irish accent? :confused: lol
why does jethro have an irish accent? :confused: lol
if you had a real oxfordshire accent, you'd sound like a yokel and would understand it. (I lived in headington & wheatley a good few years back & worked with some people from eynsham & church hanborough, they were yokels)
Unfortunately not, I'm from reading, uni in oxford, up at wheatley in fact lol
I lived on templars close near the sun pub... I loved that village, sooo many pubs
who cares, jokes about the Irish are always funny
what goes peck peck bang?
chicken in a mine field!
Two flies in an airing cupboard. Which ones in the Army?
The one on the tank!
Which ones Scottish?
The one on the pipes!
Oh I lol'd for hours!
During world war 2 an englishman an irishman and a scotsman are being chased by stu and a few of his friends (on their campaign to adminise everyone obviously lol) they get chased into a barn which turns out to be a dead end, they hide in amongst the farm goods etc in sacks which they found on the floor. Stu and his friends come in and start searching for them, they kick the englishman and he goes "meow", stu says "das is nuzzang but cat in zis bag" (in a particularly bad german accent apparently), they kick the scotsman, and he goes "woof" stu; "nuzzang but dagz" so they move onto the irishmans bag, which they kick, and the irishman shouts "potaytaws"
****Note: Paddy jokes will result in violent death for Posters****
http://cache.daylife.com/imageserve/0f54geQ22p4Ll/610x.jpg
why do you want to kill posters though, dod? they are only large bits of paper....
why did the chicken cross the road?
to get to the other side!
Why did the turkey cross the road?
it was stapled to the chicken!
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Dr
Dr Who?
(cough)
What do you call a bear with no ears?
B (as in Bu)
Have you heard about the magic tractor? It went down the lane and turned into a field.
She's a dark horse.
Who's that then?
Black Beauty
He's heading for a breakdown.
Who's that then?
The AA man.
I went to get my haircut the other day and the barber said, 'You need your hair cutting badly.'
And I said, 'I don't want it cutting badly, I want it cutting well.'
He said, 'You want it cutting around the back.'
I said, 'Want's wrong with in here?'
He said, 'I got broken into the other day.'
I said, 'how did they get in then?'
He said, 'Intruder window.'
I bought a chess set the other day. I started eating it but it tasted horrible, so I took it back to the shop and said, 'here, this is stale mate.'
The shop-keeper said, 'no it's not.'
I said, 'yes it is. Check mate.'
I bought a tie the other day but it was a bit tight so I had to take it back.
I went to buy some camoflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
Two Aerials met on a roof, fell in love, & got married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it'
"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's bloody heavy."
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin."
And for the adults...
What do you call a Russian with 3 testicles
Whojanickabollockoff
What do you call a russian prostitue?
Onyabackyabitch
And I'm Sorry Dod but I havent laughed so hard since before the non PC days!
Maximum Occupancy
Five Scotsmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four."
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Scotsmen retorts in disbelief. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."
"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."
The Scotsmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
Asa-James
12-03-09, 11:08 PM
what ya call a blind deer?
no eye deer!
what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
still no idea...(no eye deer)
and one she may not be able to tell,
how many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
two, but i dont know how they got in there...
How do you get four elephants in a mini, two in the back and two in the front.
How do you know if theres an elephant in your fridge, footprints in the butter.
How do you know if theres two elephants in the fridge, two sets of prints.
How do you know if there are four elephants in your fridge, theres a mini parked outside!
How do you get one hundred pikachu's on a bus, Pokemon.
What was the pokemon doing outside your window last night, having a pikachu.
Why did the koala fall out of the tree, it was dead.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree, it was dead aswell.
Why did the elephant fall out of the tree, it thought it was a game.
how many amnesia patients does it take to change a lighbuld
to get to the other side
Asa-James
12-03-09, 11:17 PM
why didnt the skeleton go to the party?
cos he had no body to go with
how do you stop a mole digging up your garden?
hide the spade
do robots have brothers?
no, only transistors...
whats pink and fluffy?
pink fluff
whats brown and sticky?
a brown stick
whats blue and fluffy?
pink fluff holding its breath
Asa-James
12-03-09, 11:48 PM
what do you call a boomerang that doesnt come back?
a stick
How do you get rid of a boomerang, throw it down a one way street lol
Asa-James
12-03-09, 11:53 PM
if you want good jokes its a shame the captian on the titanic isnt around any more. apparently, he was the king of the one liners...
Whats big, green and cant fly?
A Field.
Whats big, green and runs around a field?
A Hedge
a scotsman walks into the doctors office with a frog sitting on his head.
'so' the doctor asks.. 'what seems to be the problem..?'
'well' says the frog.. 'cant you tell... i have a tumour on my ass'
NathanSRi
13-03-09, 10:53 AM
whats brown and sticky?
Whats green and sticky?
A green stick
What green and brown and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you.
A Snooker Table
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