View Full Version : bring out your old jokes
please air the jokes that are no longer current but are funny..
ie.
What were Rod Hulls last words?
'EMU GRAB THE GUTTER!!!!'
(during the eighties)
a police minibus crashed into a tree near Belfast.
the IRA issued a statement saying they had planted it.........
You hear about the magic tractor ?? It was driving down a road and turned into a field. lol
taylor 2008
08-02-09, 10:06 AM
yo mamma is sooo fat she went out in heels n came bk in flip flops
Why isnt there any anadin in the jungle?
Because the parrots eat em all - badum tisch!
3 nuns sitting on a bench,
along comes a naked man and sits at the opposite end to them.
2 had a stroke!
the other coudn't reach!
stevenf
08-02-09, 10:48 AM
paddy and mick are in a small plane, mick says to paddy "if we turn upside down do you think we`ll fall out?" paddy says "dont be stupid we`ve been mates for years"
stevenf
08-02-09, 10:51 AM
su wong marries lee wong. the wongs have a baby. the nurse brings in the new baby boy, but its white.what will you name the baby asks the nurse? well, says mr wong, 2 wongs dont make a white, so i think we will name him sum ting fukin wong!
stevenf
08-02-09, 10:53 AM
two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage and values. stuart said "i didn`t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you ?" leroy replied "i`m not sure, what was her maiden name?"
kevo16v
08-02-09, 01:12 PM
Two parrots sitting on a perch, one turns to the other and says "can you smell fish?"...........
:tumble: I'll get my coat.
what smells like yellow paint but is green?
Green paint :roll:
two cannibals eating a clown
one says 'does this taste funny to you?'
Two snowmen standing in a field, one turns to the other and says "Oi mate, can you smell carrots?"
robertdevlin69
08-02-09, 02:45 PM
what you call a baby born in a microwave???
ping
robertdevlin69
08-02-09, 02:46 PM
why did the condom run away????
he got pissed off
Jim Mcrae
08-02-09, 07:40 PM
What have Paul Gascoigne and a blind gardener got in common?
Both lost the plot
Old topical jokes?
How did the children get brought up at 25 cromwell street?
With a JCB
Whats the difference between Ayrton Senna and John Smith?
John smith's wife got to keep the car
During the olympics, i was wondering if there was anything the chinese weren't good at. Then I remembered. Cockle picking!
Ooh nastiness ahoy then lee lol
blacknovagsi
08-02-09, 08:25 PM
whats the difference between 1000 condoms and a tyre?
ones a goodyear the others a bloody good year
whats a grudge??? its where a south african keeps his car....
whats a hospice??? about a bucket full
Mans walking past a jamaicans house, when he sees him making a sign saying 'Boat for sale'
Excuse me, but where is the boat?
'Boat?' says the Jamaican
'Yes, it says there you have a boat for sale'
See that old landrover' says the Jamaican
'Yep' says the man
....'and see that old pool table?'
'Yes' says the man
'Well they're boat for sale!'
man goes to the swimming baths in leeds. as he approaches the pool he asks the attendant what temperature it was. 'luke warm' he jumps in & it is freezing, he climbs out, shivering & goes to the attendant. ' why did you tell me it was luke warm??????'
'well it luked warm to me'
During the olympics, i was wondering if there was anything the chinese weren't good at. Then I remembered. Cockle picking!
they were given strick instructions by the council that if the water got to knee high, they should head to shore, but Ne Hi was asleep in the van
2 fly's in an airing cupboard
Which ones Scottish?
The one on the pipes!
And which ones in the army?
The one on the tank
lol
How does a welshman find a sheep in long grass?
F*cking irresistable :)
CoolTiger
08-02-09, 11:00 PM
How does a welshman find a sheep in long grass?
F*cking irresistable :)
lol so true
an egg and a suasage are in a frying pan
the sausage says to the egg "is it hot in here or is it me?"
the egg says "SH*T! talking sausage!"
whats the queen bought fergie for xmas?
a black merc and a trip to paris!
what d'ya call a blind deer?
no eye deer!
why did stevie wonder say "AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!"?
he answered the iron!
why did he say "AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!" AGAIN?
THEY CALLED BACK!
Asa-James
08-02-09, 11:15 PM
how many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
two, but i dont know how they got in there...
dougie_boi
09-02-09, 12:42 AM
a cat sat at side of river when a 6inch sausage floats by, the cat dips her paw in to catch it but mises. ten mins later a 7inch sausage floats by the cat dips her whole leg in to catch it but misses.ten mins later a 10 inch sausage floats by, the cat throws her self at it &catchs it and eats it. the moral of the story....the bigger the sausage the wetter the pussy
maths teacher asks an essex girl ''what comes after 69?'' girl replies, ''you wash your face and rinse your mouth with listerine........duh!''
how d'ya know a blondes used a computer?
theres tippex on the screen!!!
Paddys walking down the road carrying his front door.
'where ya going paddy' shouts Murphy
'Im going to get a key cut' says paddy
'Hang on' says murphy 'if youve got your front door under your arm, how are you going to get back in your house?'
'Its ok' says paddy 'ive left a window open'
Paddy and murphy were throwing stones at the floor. Paddy missed.
Paddy gets his pilots licence and is on his first flight when all his engines fail. He gets on the radio with a mayday.
'Whats you're height and position?' says the air traffic controller
'Im 5 foot 6 and im sat at the front of the plane'
Paddys having a stroll across the moors when he thinks he sees murphy over the other side of a field.
Murphy's also out having a stroll, and he thinks he sees paddy over the other side of a field.
But when they got up close to each other, they realised it wasnt either of them.
Peanut_119
11-02-09, 12:06 AM
paddy and murphy walkin downt he street, paddy falls down a hole
murphy shouts "paddy, have you broke anything"
paddy replies "Its a hole theres nothing to break"
Paddy is looking at a mirror - "im sure i know him" he says to Murphy
"Lets have a look" says Murphy
He looks at the mirror -
"You silly c*nt Paddy, its me"
Man ask's steve wonder what its like to be blind, he reply's could be worse, i could be black.
Two monkeys in a bath, one goes "OH OH AH AH" the other says "well if you wanted some cold water added, just ask"
Old classic.
Woman goes t a pet shop, and there are three parrots for sale. One for £200, one for £180 and one for £20.
'Why is that one so cheap?' she asks.
'He used to live in a Brothel, hes a bit rude'
'No problem, Im a modern woman, ill have him.'
No sooner than she gets him home, he says 'ohh, nice new whore house to live in'
She decides to ignore him. Then her two daughters walk into the room.
'ooh, nice new prostitutes'
She is annoyed by this, but keeps her mouth shut. Then her husband walks in
'****in ell, 'ello John, not seen you for a while!!!'
Lee, you need 'rep-ping! but it wouldn't let me
stuartyj21
13-02-09, 06:47 AM
penguin walks into a bar and asks the bar man have you seen my dad.
the bar man replies " na what does he look like" lollollol
The Simps
13-02-09, 10:29 AM
How do you stop a mole digging in your garden?
Take away his spade.
The Simps
13-02-09, 10:29 AM
Whats black & white and swings through the jungle?
A fridge in a leather jacket.
The Simps
13-02-09, 10:31 AM
2 nuns in a bath, one says "where's the soap"
other says, "does, doesn't it."
The Simps
13-02-09, 10:32 AM
How do you get 1000 ethiopians into a telephone box?
Throw a baked bean can in there.
How do you get them out again?
Run past with a can opener.
The Simps
13-02-09, 10:34 AM
The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland .. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'
'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'
'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'
Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'
'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'
'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.
'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'
Sarkoz y sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'
'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'
Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'
'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'
'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'
'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions, Inc. All rights reserved.