HELP me buy toilet paper!

[ade]

Right!

I've had enough!

I went out last night and had a bit of indian food and now my ar$e is making me suffer - and the bog paper's also taking vengence!

WHY IS IT toilet paper manufacturers make bog paper that sticks to your as$e after a curry!

PLEASE FOR THE LOVE ALL ALL THATS HOLY will someone please recmmend a toilet paper that doesnt dissintegrate on imapct with your ring!

It needs the following qualities -

1. Mustnt be so thin and tissuey that it rips on impact
2. Must not "soak up" so much poo that you can sense it on your fingertips!
3. Must be thick enough not to be wasteful (max 2 sheets)
4. Mustnt be so thick that you cant feel anything and end up smearing poo rounf your bum (eg that bear bog roll called Charmin!)
5. must be manly enough that it isnt Aloie impregnated which leaves your ring soft yet still slightly moist resulting in chaffing
6. must come in nice shades of peach or white to please the wife

LIST PLEASE!

[ade]

and if anyone mentions the FRENCH be-day (an excuse to shower poo all over your body) youre gay

and ISAL (the grease proof paper of toilets) is only used by prisoners!

[Andy]

Kitchen roll-otherwise known as American bog roll

[FUSION X16XE]

Issues!!!

[Steve]

One of the weirdest posts ive read in a while! lol

[Rich]

Supersoaker?

[stevenf]

my mother reccomends some baby wipes as that will soothe after cleaning. and in this weather you can leave them on the outside of the window ledge to keep them cool also :D

[ade]

my mother reccomends some baby wipes as that will soothe after cleaning. and in this weather you can leave them on the outside of the window ledge to keep them cool also :D

GROSS! leave yoour bum smelling of babies AND moist!

:tard:

[ade]

One of the weirdest posts ive read in a while! lol

aye - but I bet the next time yoou go for a dump you will consider the list and examoine the quality of your bog paper closely!

[General Baxter]

i bet you don't have to sit on a splintered bog seat tho lol,

i broke ours about 3pm, and was too late to get a new one lol

[ade]

OOH!

Now you have to sit on a porcelain rim - the one that every bugger wees over! FECKIN FREEZING and FECKIN WET!

[stevenf]

just hover over the top like its a public toilet lol

[General Baxter]

ill just use the other bog lol

[Philsutton]

that grease proof paper is wrong, i dont get it? I mean if its cheap an its a way of saving money it doesnt work as you have to use 10 times the normal amount and block the toilet with an excess of useless paper.

[hendrix]

^^pmsl.
Tesco Value ftw lol.
No, the tesco like premium stuff is not bad.
Isn't firey ring syndrome due to chillies etc that havent been digested?

[Andy]

The ar5e rag at my work is truly abismal.Thats really thin.Greedy bastuards

[let_nova]

that grease proof paper is wrong, i dont get it? I mean if its cheap an its a way of saving money it doesnt work as you have to use 10 times the normal amount and block the toilet with an excess of useless paper.

iirc the tracing paper stuff is what we got in school!!!

[mowgli]

right, my youngest daughter uses tesco LOOK training wipes. they are moist, not smelly & flushable, they may offer some comfort...

at work we use LIDL cheapest recycled bog paper, it is surprisingly nice & gentle, & as nobody else will ever buy any, I have to get it.....

[Sturge]

Tesco value all the way, just be gentle with it lol

[Welsh Dan]

http://www.xen0phobiak.co.uk/badgers.jpg

:D

[blacknovagsi]

andrex quilts is good, although if you run out just use your finger and wash your hands afterlol

[Spudly]

Ewwwwww thats just wrong dude!

[ade]

GROSS - ABSOLUTELY GROSS!

I cant stand the "warm" feeling of poo!

See - most bog paper - 2 sheets folded - does the trick

"Modern" bog paper - all quilted (FFS - like I's ever wiped my ar$e on a quilt!) is just too thick for 2 sheets but not thick enough for 1 - so you've always go that horrible feeling of "finger breakthrough" and the possibility that you finger you own bum hole!

Now thats just gay!

[Spudly]

Awww ade noooo thats even worse than what ^^^ he posted lol

[ade]

aye but how many times have you got down to the last sheet on the roll and just know theres still a dangle berry or some remaining plop lurking onthe ring edge - you have to hoik up yer trousers and "hobble" to the next cubicle or to another bathroom (if yer posh) and you can feel the "squelch" as the remaining bit smoothes out between yer bum cheeks!

APPARENTLY!

[brainsnova]

brenda and audrey recommend Bounty :D it absorts twice as much than any other standard roll lol so kitchen roll is the key to your ar$e
http://i517.photobucket.com/albums/u331/Brain_missing/housewives.gif

[ade]

You said Bounty - I thought chocolate bar! I'm sorry but that's usually what comes out my ar$e after a curry! I'd hardly be trying to shove it back up!

and who are Brenda and Audrey?

I tried kitchen roll whilst at Uni (along with the Sun and News of the World) - chaffes a tad but plenty absorbant.

[ade]

ah - pic didnt appear - see who they are now...

[Welsh Dan]

glossy magazines work but you have to tear off small-ish peices or they wont flush.

[ade]

nah - theyre as bad as ISAL.

Come on - need some brands - the current stuff I use is aparantly Morrisons own brand - never again.

[jimbob-mcgrew]

jeez... toilet paper is toilet paper man.
personally im not prepapred to spend any money on something you use to wipe sh1t from your a55hole then flush down the toilet.
tesco value all the way.

[Stoo]

Think yourself lucky

When i did thr Royal Marines Commando Course, i was only allowed to use one sheet TOTAL to wipe after a poop!!

[jimbob-mcgrew]

joker stoo, after all the practice youve had with only one sheet, i bet your one of the most effecient ass wipers in the country lol

[Stoo]

Its not a pretty sight doing it with one piece, but you learn fast!!

[Welsh Dan]

What's the technique then? lol

[Stoo]

fold it in half, fold it in half again

tear the corner where the folds meet off, like a circle, so the sheet has a hole in the middle, and your left with a small piece too

middle finger thru the hole, reet up your hoop, have a good clean about
use the sheet to clean your finger, and the small piece fer under your nail ;)

[Martin]

^ good man..


Ade, just wash it of in the shower ;)

[ade]

lol - I had an image of Stoo doing what dogs do when they have worms - dragging his butt along the ground in a vain bid to remove poopage!

Nice trick with one sheet though - very eco friendly!

[Emmy]

lol lol brainsnova, better get my self some Bounty then.

[Stoo]

Its not about being Eco friendly mate, itsa about carrying as little stuf with you as possible whilst out in the field for weeks at a time.

[Smurf-Xx]

GROSS! leave yoour bum smelling of babies AND moist!

:tard:

So you'd rather leave it smelling of **** lol

This is f*cking random and gross!

Just use Andrex...