joke thread

[mowgli]

a priest books into a hotel. he asks the receptionist if the porn channel in his room is going to be disabled.. the receptionist replies 'Oh no, father, its just normal porn, but I can upgrade you for £10 per night'

[General Baxter]

man sits down to watch tv, his wife come in the room, wife asks whats on the tv, man replys dust

[Jack]

Novalad

[General Baxter]

what do you get if you cross a motorway with a wheelbarrow

runover dumbass lol

[mowgli]

what do you get if you cross the atlantic with the titanic?????


Halfway.........

[mowgli]

Novalad

I know this is a joke thread, but that is pushing it a bit.....

[Cle]

The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my interstates, which was very busy with inferior cars.
First off, I couldn’t believe that the volume of traffic DIDN’T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the exit ramp! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway!
The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.
Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane.
Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph!
Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn’t be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.
Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me!
He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.
Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast!
Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my drivers licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They’re not free points either - they’re £20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won’t be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won’t even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me!
See, now THAT’S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a BMW!



found that one pretty funny :)

[Welsh Dan]

I was playing charades the other night, but the other dads decided to beat me up. Apparently staring at their daughters whilst furiously bashing the bishop isnt a good impression of Gary Glitter.

[C7LJN]

A dad on his way home wants to buy his daughter a barbie. He stops at a toy store and noticed that there was a shopping barbie,a beach barbie, disco barbie which were all 19.95 but a devorse barbiewas 265.65 "why is this one more??? The salesman answers" thats because divorse barbie comes with kens`s car ken`s house ken`s boat ken`s computer ken`s furniture and one of ken`s f**kin friends

[Asa-James]

why does snoop dogg carry an umbrella?






fo' drizzle, ma shizzle!

[Jack]

LMFAO! I like that one lol

[Lee]

Sid has been the latest victim of ID theft.

Now he's known as S.

[DaveyLC]

Not really a joke, more of a riddle but it cracked me up when they used it on Radio1 last night..

"What goes in hard and dry then comes out wet and soggy"..





.. No you perve, its a TEA BAG! :D

[Asa-James]

"smell my cheese!"

[Lauren]

A man goes into a shop and says 'Can I please have a kitkat chunky?'
The woman behind the till gets him a kitkat chunky. He says 'no, I wanted a normal kitkat you fat b*tch.'

[DaveyLC]

"smell my cheese!"

lol

[Tidy Max]

Whats brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr Dre lol

Why does snoop dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo drizzle!

(and for my favourite jokes of all time)
Why did the koala bear fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead...
..Why did the second koala bear fall out of tree?

Because it was stuck to the first one lol hahaha

[Pistol Pete]

Why does snoop dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo drizzle!

;) Been done!

An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing.

She says, "Scuse me mate, I ain't being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it?"

The Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies,
"Well, I'm a little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me right foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot"

"Cor blimey", exclaims the Essex girl, "So THATS why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them!"

[Tidy Max]

hahaha good one, i told a friend that snoop dogg one a few week ago, went round to his the other day and he goes,
"aye max got a joke for ya, why does snoop dogg where a rain mack?
to which i replied
"because he endorses gore tex?" lol, a fine case of buggering up a joke there at least its slightly believeable that snoop WOULD carry a brolly, but a rain mack? lol

[Dod]

A Horse walks into a Bar, the Bartender asks, why the long face?

A Man runs into a bar and falls over.

[Prey]

Boom boom - dont give up your day jobs people.....

[mowgli]

2 men walk into a hospital, you'd think at least one of them would have seen it......

a duck orders 2 pints, then says to the waiter 'put it on my bill'

[Dod]

Man walks into his bedroom, full drunk with a Duck under his arm and Shouts, waking his wife, "Thats the Pig I was talking about" She replies "Thats a Duck..." He pipes up "I was talking to the Duck".

[paddy138]

^^^ fpmsl a
a man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says to the barman , two pints please one for me and one for the road i











ill get me coat

[ade]

lol at the duck one!

For the religious nuts out there...

One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Adam and Eve, but couldn't find them. Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were earlier. Adam said, "The morning Eve and I made love for the first time."

God said, "Adam, you have sinned. I knew this would happen. Where is Eve now?"

Adam replied, "She's down at the river, washing herself out."

"Damn," says God, "now all the fish will smell funny."


and...

The Pope arrives in heaven, where St. Peter awaites him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church ..."

St. Peter: "The Catholic church ... Never heard of it ... Wait, I'll check with the boss."

St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.

St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth."

God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of ... Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus)

Jesus: "Yes father, what's up?"

God and St. Peter explain the situation.

Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow."

Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.

Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"

[ade]

oh and this is the best -

God said let there be light and Chuck Norris said "Say Please".

[robertdevlin69]

a bloke is driving down the motorway at a considerable speed,next of all he see a dick car beside him so he floors it......so does the copper......so the man floors it again...eventually the bloke pulls over,the cop gets out and says to the man:im in a good humour if you give me the best excuse ive heard all day ill let you go,so the blokes says well officer you see 2 weeks ago me wife ran of wit a cop i thought you were trying to give her back

[large_steve182]

so jade goody is walking down the road. then i run up and hit her with a huge stick and smack her in the face with it!

[Asa-James]

"Cor blimey", exclaims the Essex girl, "So THATS why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them!"

thats one laptop now covered in beer...

a duck walks into a bar, and says "you got any bread?" bar man replies "no"

next day same again, and again, and again. barman starts getting annoyed so when the duck walks in for bread, the barman replies " come in here again aand ask for bread and i'll nail your fecking beak to the bar, now feck off!"

next day the duck walks in and says "s'cuse me, you got any nails?"
barman replies "no,"
duck says "have you got any bread then?"

[Pistol Pete]

lol @ ^

[Asa-James]

please dont laugh, it only encourages me


old lady driving a car and knitting at the same time. a copper gets alongside and catches her attention, shouts "pullover"

the old lady replies "no dear, its going to be a sweater..."





i saw a man with a very long bag walking round the olympic village in beijing. i asked "are you a pole vaulter?"

he replied "nein, i am german, but how did you know my name?"