View Full Version : give us your worst
large_steve182
14-08-08, 02:55 PM
jokes.
nothing beats a joke that is so bad you have to laugh at it.
"theres something wrong with my dog. everytime someone rings the bell he goes and sits in the corner"
"what type of dog is it?"
"a boxer"
you hear about the crab that got chucked out the pub?
no.
he kept pinching stuff
why was the broom late?
because he overswept...
what do you get if you cross a cow and a camel?
a lumpy milkshake
Whats the friendliest school?
HI school
wisewood
14-08-08, 03:03 PM
Tilly they're brilliant lol
hendrix
14-08-08, 03:04 PM
what goes "oooooooo"?
A cow with no lips.
A man walked into a bar...Ouch!
Two pies sitting in an oven.
One says to the other 'It's so hot in here!'
The other goes 'F*ck me, a talking pie!'
Why couldn't the skeleton go to the the party?
He had no body to go with.
Two eggs are boiling in a pan.
One says to the other, 'Look, I've got a crack!'
The other goes 'Hang on a sec love, I'm not even hard yet.'
wisewood
14-08-08, 03:07 PM
Two eggs are boiling in a pan.
One says to the other, 'Look, I've got a crack!'
The other goes 'Hang on a sec love, I'm not even hard yet.'
I just spat Dr Pepper when i read this.
wisewood
14-08-08, 03:10 PM
For many years, two statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been very good statues," he announced to them, "So I am going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want."
With a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.
Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great!!! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll **** on its head."
What do you get if you cross a sheep and a kangaroo?
A wolly jumper.
What do you call a fish with no eye?
A fsh.
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
For many years, two statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been very good statues," he announced to them, "So I am going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want."
With a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.
Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great!!! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll **** on its head."
PMSL
what does henry the eighth and kermet the frog have in commom
they both have the same middle name ,
that pisses people off so much when you ask it them as a serious question lol
large_steve182
14-08-08, 03:24 PM
PMSL
what does henry the eighth and kermet the frog have in commom
they both have the same middle name ,
that pisses people off so much when you ask it them as a serious question lol
bloody brilliant haha.
________________________
see stevie wonder just got a new piano?
nah neither did he.
a bra, a battery and some jump leads go into a bar.
the bra goes up to the bar and asks for 3 pints.
the barman declines the bra.
"why not serve us"
"well" the barman sais "your off your tits and the other 2 look like there going to start something"
What do you call an eskimos house that doesnt have a toilet...
An Ig
Did you hear the one about the drum kit that fell down the stairs.....
Bu Bum Tissshhhhh!
What do you call a fly with no wings.....
A walk.
pmsl
What kind of bee drinks milk?
A boobie!!!
Batman and Robin having a serious talk
Robin - I shagged a girl last night batman
Batman - Really? What was it like?
Robin - Batman, it was amazing but there is a problem?
Batman - what?
Robin - I think shes pregnant
Batman - HOLY CONTRACEPTIVE ROBIN!
Batman and Robin are at a superhero convention. Superman is late.
He eventually arrives looking flustered
Batman - Superman - your late - its not like you
Superman - I know - but you wouldnt believe what happened to me on the way here
Batman - what?
Superman- well, I was flying over some beutiful fields when my super eyes saw a small figure wriggling in the corn.
Batman - really? go on...
Superman - well, I flew lower and saw to my utter astonishment, lying NAKED in the corn none other than wonder woman!
Batman - Holy errection! What did you do?
Superman - well she clearly seemed to be enjoying herself - wriggling about and you know how I've always wanted to give her a super shag so I thought I'd go down and give her one.
Batman - Holy crap Superman - I bet she got one HELL of a surprise when you fed her one!
Superman - aye well... not half as surprised as the Invisible man was!
3 nuns on a bench.
a naked man comes and sits down on one end
2 nuns have a stroke!
the other cannae reach!
2 nuns in the bath. One says - wears the soap?
The second says - yes it does doesnt it!
(took me ages to get that one!)
Knock knock
whos there
doctor
doctor who?
HA HA HA!
What do you call a bear with no ears
B
and a dinosaur with no eyes?
Doyouthinkhesaurus
belly257
15-08-08, 01:14 AM
pmsl at this thread awsome!!
belly257
15-08-08, 01:26 AM
this one is very bad
Knock, knock
Whos there?
Sorry, wrong door.
Okay.
large_steve182
15-08-08, 01:39 AM
knock knock
whos there?
boo
boo who?
no need to cry about it
you hear about the dog with 6 legs?
nah me neither
what do you call a man in a bush?
russell.
horse walks into a bar and asks for a pint
barman - why the long face?
motorway in the pub drinking at the bar.
suddenly the door flys open and in strust this bit of red tarmac
motorway sh1tes itself and scuttles off the the lavvy
red tarmac gets to the bar, orders a pint and a vodka chaser. knocks it back and casually leaves
motorway sticks its head out the bog and asks "is the coast clear"
barman says "yes! what's a big motorway like you doing hiding from a sh1tey bit of red tarmac?"
motorway says - "that ain no ordinary bit a red tarmac mate - thats a cyclepath!"
(as in psychopath!)
Whilst dining at a resturaunt a man was choosing his Squid from the tank.
Finally he noticed a small mild-green coloured squid with a hairy protruding lip hiding at the bottom of the tank.
Having never seen a green squid before, he decided to choose it.
The waiter seemed horrified at his choice, in truth the squid had been passed up for so long by so many diners, they had all but adopted it as a mascot for the resturaunt. Never-the-less the creature was plucked from the tank and taken to the kitchen.
Gervaise, the cook took one look at the squid and it's hairy bottom lip and couldn't bring himself to kill it. He asked Hans the dishwasher to kill it for him.
Hans took the knife and and looked the squid in the eye for a moment. After a tense few seconds he put the knife down and declared that he didn't have it in him to murder such a pathetic animal.
The moral of the story?
Hans that does dishes is as soft as Gervaise, with mild green hairly lipped squid!
Why does Rupert the Bear wear yellow and black chequered trousers?
Because hes a fecking T W A T!
Two biscuits walking down the road, one says to the other
"Where do you live?"
The which the other replies
"I'm not telling you, you'll nick my washing."
Two flies in an airing cupboard...
Which one is the Soldier ??
the one on the tank!
And which is the Scottish one ??
the one on the pipes!
10 Scottish coo's in a field:
Which one hates Saddam Hussein?
Coo 8!
Which one is going on holiday?
the one with the wee calf
What d'you call the one with the number 7 on it's back and the rifle round it's waist?
right wing military coo
yorkshire man at the vets..."will you have a look at my cat"
vet.... "is it a tom"
yorkshireman... "no its in t'basket"
and finally -
when's a pixie not a pixie?
when hes got his head up a faries skirt and he a goblin!
lol
large_steve182
15-08-08, 01:58 AM
a man goes to the vet with his new dog. which happens to be cross eyed.
he asks the vet whats wrong with it.
the vet picks it up and then abrubtly sais "im going to have to put it down"
"why because its cross eyed"
"no because its f**king heavy"
xxspudxx
15-08-08, 08:24 AM
my dogs got no nose..
How does it smell then?
Fuking terrible!
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Pizza delivery.............
What do you say when you answere the phone at a jaundice clinic?
'Yellow?'
Man walks into a butchers and the butcher bets him he cant reach the beef on the top shelf.
'I dont take that bet' says the man
'why' says the butcher
'The steaks are too high'
Can you remember the last time you had rice pudding?
Thought not, you have Ambrosia!
Did you hear about the horse called Treacle?
It had Golden Stirrups
Man goes into a video shop and says 'Can I rent Batman Forever'?
'No' says the owner, 'you have to bring it back Monday
They say one in five people in the world are Chinese. I have 2 brothers, so one of us must be Chinese. Its either Me, Dave or Foo Yung. I think its Dave!
Man walks into a pub, and sees a man with a dog sat under his stool.
'Excuse me, does your dog bite?'
'My dog has never bitten anyone in its life'
'Thats fantastic' The man then bends down to stroke the dog, and it nearly bites his hand off!
'I thought you said your dog doesnt bite!!'
'Thats not my dog'
If France invaded Poland from the rear, would Greece help?
Men with guns who demand all your money.... Youve got to hand it to them haven't you!
Exit signs. I think theyre on the way out.
I bought a chess set, tried to eat it, and it tasted discusting. I took it back to the shop.
'Its stale mate'
'Are you sure?'
'Check mate!'
I got on the train, sat down, and the man next to me looked just like me!
'Whats your name?'
'Lee Reynolds'
I tell you, I was beside myself!!
I went to a fancy dress party dressed as Magnesium. When I got there, some bastid poured sulfuric acid on my head. I didn't know how to react!
djbrowney
15-08-08, 10:00 AM
How many animals can you fit in a condom ?
1 x cockrel 2 x bull and as many hairs as you can !!!
What do all racist jokes start with ?
Somebody looking over there shoulder !!!
What do you call a man with a shovel on his head?
DUG! :tard:
What do you call a man without a shovel on his head?
Douglass :)
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No Idea
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea
NovaBoi92
15-08-08, 10:56 AM
why did the blonde get fired from the M+M factory?
because she threw away all the W's
what do you call an underground train full of professors?
a tube of smarties
General Baxter
15-08-08, 11:08 AM
what do you call an underground train full of professors?
a tube of smarties
you ****ed that up, you can not get tubes anymore, there hexaganal lol
NovaBoi92
15-08-08, 11:11 AM
im sorry
stevenf
15-08-08, 11:42 AM
two packets of crisps were walking down the road,
a car stopped and asked if they wanted a lift
they said no thanks were "walkers"
doctor doctor i feel like a parir of curtians.....
well pull yourself together
wisewood
15-08-08, 11:51 AM
Doctor, Doctor, you've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!
Do you drink a lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!
djbrowney
15-08-08, 03:07 PM
why did the blonde chuck bread crums in the toilet ?
To feed the toilet duck !!!
2 bags of peanuts walking down a dark alley, one was assaulted, the other was dry roasted............
what's blue & doesn't fit????
a dead epileptic............ TAXI!!!!
loggyboy
15-08-08, 03:40 PM
What do you call a woman with a tile on her head..
Ruth
What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?
Eileen
what do you call a chinese woman with one leg shorter than the other?
Irene
Two cows in a field...
One cow says 'Mooooo'
The other says 'you B******, I was gonna say that.'
Man walks in to the doctors with a steering wheel in his pants.
The Doc asks 'How did that get in there?!!?'
The man replys 'I have no idea, buts its driving me nuts'
just vaux trev
15-08-08, 03:54 PM
what do you call a man with a piece of wood on his head?
..edwood
x2?
edwood wood
x3?
edwood woodwood
x4?
i dont know but edwood wood wood wood
what do you call a man with lawn mower and ham on his head?
...mohamed
loggyboy
15-08-08, 03:57 PM
edward woodward with no Ds is Ewar WooWar
just vaux trev
15-08-08, 04:01 PM
3 pieces of string walk into a bar, 2 go to the bar "2 beers please" bar man says are you pieces of string they reply "yes" sorry we dont serve pieces of string here, 3rd one goes up ties himself into a knot "a beer please" bar man replies are you a pice of string, string replies "no im afraid knot.
Smurf-Xx
15-08-08, 06:58 PM
what do you call a deer with no eyes?...
noidea
little girl approach by a dodgy geezer in a car -
Pervy - Hello little girl - if you get in my car I'll give you a sweetie
Girl - Give us the bag and I'll give you a blow job!
3 men walk into a bar...
...you wouldve thought one of them wouldve seen it
twistysnovagte
15-08-08, 10:17 PM
why the chicken cross the road?
to get to the other side
twistysnovagte
15-08-08, 10:21 PM
A white guy named Joe falls madly in love with this bartender named Wendy, so he gets her name tattooed on his penis.
She breaks up with him, though, and he's so devastated that he goes away on a Caribbean singles cruise to try to get her off his mind. He drinks away his troubles at the bar on the cruise ship, and one night drinks so many beers his bladder is about to explode. So he goes into the bathroom and takes the urinal right next to this muscular black man. Joe takes a glance at the guy's penis and sees the word "WENDY" tattooed on it. He says, "Hey, you knew Wendy too?"
The black guy turns to him and says, "No, mon, when I get hard it says 'WELCOME TO JAMAICA, HAVE A NICE DAY."
Martingsi
16-08-08, 11:04 AM
whats blue and smells like red paint?
blue paint
nock nock
whose there?
europe..
europe who?
no europe who!
whats green and fluffy?
green fluff
a bloke is walking down the street. he sees a penguin waddling along. he picks it up & asks a policeman what he should do with it...
'take it to the zoo'
the next day, the policeman sees the man still carrying the penguin.
'I thought I told you to take it to the zoo?'
'I did & he loved it, we're off to the pictures now.'
What did the bus driver say to the baldy cat?
Where's ya fare!
what do you call 3 men in a bubblebath talking about shoes?
BENT!!
what do you call 3 men in a bubblebath talking about shoes?
BENT!!
that is not officially a joke. a joke actually has to be slightly unbelievable.......
Have you ever got halfway through eating a horse and realised you weren't as hungry as you thought?
Two men in a pub about to play darts.
'Closest to bull goes first'.
'Baaaaaa'
'Moooooo'
'Your closest!'
Whats blue and fcuks old grannies?
Hypothermia.
Whats blue and orange and lies on the bottom of a swimming pool.
A Baby with crap armbands.
Whats Red and eats nuts?
Herpes
Two snowmen in a field. One turns to the other and says 'Can you smell carrot?'
Two parrots on a perch. One turns to the other and says 'Can you smell fish?'
Two nuns go for a drive when they come across the devil in the middle of the road. One says to the other 'quick, show him your cross!'
The other one leans out of the window and shouts 'Get out of the way you ****'
I dont get the nuns in the bath one :confused: lol am i being stupid?
A few sh*t ones...
Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they yarrr
what do u call an italian with a rubber toe?
Roberto
A man goes to a zoo, when he gets there, there is only one animal to see and it's a dog
It was a sh*tzu!
Two monkeys in the bath, one says "oooh oooh ahh ahh ahh"
The other one says "Put some cold in then"
I dont get the nuns in the bath one :confused: lol am i being stupid?
A few sh*t ones...
Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they yarrr
what do u call an italian with a rubber toe?
Roberto
A man goes to a zoo, when he gets there, there is only one animal to see and it's a dog
It was a sh*tzu!
Two monkeys in the bath, one says "oooh oooh ahh ahh ahh"
The other one says "Put some cold in then"
The soap wears, as in erodes (like sandpaper!). It took the wife quite a while to get that one!
What do you call a man with a raincoat?
Max
What do you call a man in a raincoat standing outside a church?
Max Bygraves
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
Doyathinkesaurus
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye and a dog?
Doyathinkesaurus Rex
What do you call a prostitute with no arms and no legs?
Cash N carry
What do you call a russian prostitute?
Onyabackyabitch.
What do you call a russian with 3 testicles?
Whodyanickyabollockov
Man runs into the bar at a golf course
'Quick, is there a doctor in the house?'
Man stands up 'Im a doctor, whats up?'
'A womans been hit by a golf ball between the first and second holes'
Doctor says 'That doesnt leave much room for a plaster does it?'
Tiger woods pulls up at a gas station in his new car, and as he gets out, a load of Tee's fall on the floor.
Pump attendent says 'What are those things for Mr'?
Tiger says 'I put my balls on those when i'm driving'
'Blimey' says the assistant 'those boys at Mertcedes think of everything!
Bill is walking along, and he thinks he see's ben on the other side of the field.
At the same time, Ben is walking a long, and he thinks he see's Bill over the other side of the field.
But when they got up close to each other, they realised it wasn't either of them.
2 men are sitting in a cafe.. one turns to the other and says "complete the sequence.. p q r s...." the other one says " t?" the man replies "yes please 2 sugars"
lol
How do you fit 4 elephants in a blue nova?
2 in the front 2 in the back
How do you know if an elephants been in your fridge?
There's a footprint in the butter
How do you know if 2 elephants have been in your fridge?
there's 2 footprints in the butter
How do you know if 3 elephants have been in your fridge?
there's 3 footprints in the butter
How do you know if 4 elephants have been in your fridge?
there's a blue nova parked outside.
sorry the wife's best ever joke!
whats pink and fluffy?
pink fluff
large_steve182
17-08-08, 10:35 PM
How do you fit 4 elephants in a blue nova?
2 in the front 2 in the back
How do you know if an elephants been in your fridge?
There's a footprint in the butter
How do you know if 2 elephants have been in your fridge?
there's 2 footprints in the butter
How do you know if 3 elephants have been in your fridge?
there's 3 footprints in the butter
How do you know if 4 elephants have been in your fridge?
there's a blue nova parked outside.
sorry the wife's best ever joke!
ha i knew something like that was coming so i didnt lower the page enough to catch the ending to ruin it lol
paddy138
17-08-08, 10:39 PM
a man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and orders 2 pints, one for him and one for the road
whats yellow and smells of bananas?
monkey sick
i went in the pub the other night with a painter (van goff)
i said to him,do you wanna pint ?
he said,nah im ok ive got one ear?
hows bob marley like his donuts ?
with jam in
i know its pants but ay but when you drunk its as funny as fcuk
large_steve182
17-08-08, 11:17 PM
whats worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?
AIDS
what do you call a chav with a decent job
a liar.
why did the koala bear fall out of the tree?
because it was dead
why did the 2nd koala bear fall out of the tree?
he was holding hands with the first one
why did the 3rd koala bear fall out of the tree.
he thought it was a game?
Some motorways are sitting at the bar having a drink, the m25 turns round to the m1 and says "I'm the hardest bit of tarmac around, 5 lanes wide, grid lock every day im the dogs!" The m1 replys "you call that 'ard? im the main trunk road north, the amount of trucks i have on me every day you've got nothing on me." the banter continues for most of the evening till a tiny bit of red tarmac walks in. The pub goes silent and the motorways duck their heads. The little red bit of tarmac orders a drink and leaves. The barman turns to the motorways and says, "what was that about, i thought you two were hard nuts, the motorways reply "bugger that, that guy is a complete cycle path" lol
How do you know if your in bed with an Elephant?
There's an 'E' on his pyjamas
What did Trarzan say when he saw a herd of Elephants coming over the hill?
'Oh look, here comes a herd of elephants'
What did he say when he saw they were all wearing sunglasses?
Nothing. He didnt recognise them.
What do you do if an Elephant comes around the corner.
Swim for it.
What do you do when you come across an elephant?
Say sorry and wipe it up.
How do you get 2 whales in a mini?
Over the severn bridge.
Whats blue and f u c ks old people?
hypothermia!
A prostitute get knocked down whilst crossing the street.
the ambulance arrives.
the paramedic starts checking her injuries.
he asks her 'How many fingers do I have up???'
'Christ!, I'm Paralysed!!!!' she screams
I just got sent these and I think they are great, so I figured I'd share them with you all.
I keep having my profile on that dating website 'Match.com' rejected. One of the questions is, 'What do you want in a woman?'. Apparently 'my c ** k' is not an acceptable answer.
A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got one minute to get out!' The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'You b@stard!'
Why are women like clouds? Eventually they disappear and it's a really nice day.
A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?' The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him. 'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bi tch.'
My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood. We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on her forehead.
I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance. So I pushed her over.
Zebo, a half blind five year old South African orphan, has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Give just small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send you the video, it's fcuking hilarious....
I had a dog named Minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks. Bad Minton.
Two men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10 minutes. 'Crikey mate, that was impressive!' 'I get lots of practice' replied the other guy. 'My wifes epileptic
kevo16v
20-08-08, 09:44 AM
Awsome thread!! Might have already been posted but here goes........
Polo and Tic Tac are sitting in the pub having a quiet drink, when suddenly the doors bursts open and Locket walks in.
Tic tac dives under the table and starts shaking totally scared for his life, Polo asks 'whats the problem its only locket, why are you so scared?'.......
To which Tic Tac relpys 'you don't know him mate, he's menthol'
Q. Whats green and smells of pork?
A. Kermit the frogs finger
:tumble:
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