Rev. Wisewood's Wednesday School

[wisewood]

Welcome to Rev. Wisewood's Wednesday School.
This week I will teach you about one of the ancient arts of Fishism, the seat sniff.


The Arts, dating back in some cases thousands of years are fascinating, intriguing and perhaps a little weird.

Seat sniffing is believed to have first taken place in Edwardian times when it was seen as a great honour for a woman to have her seat sniffed by a man just after she stood up. These days the art is long forgotten by the masses while a chosen few are taught the art by a master of the Seat Sniffers School for Life Enhancement (SSSLE) within The Church of TUNA.

The method is obviously the part you have been waiting for... So often people beg and plead with me to teach them the correct way to sniff a seat... But if I answered everyone's plea I would never get anything done.

Firstly, and most importantly you must prepare your mind and soul. You should try to completely relax for an hour before the sniffing takes place. This creates a calm in your soul which helps prevent any embarrassment if seen by others. During this hour you should also do some deep breathing (through the nose of course) to aid relaxation and clear the nostrils of debris thus creating a clean flow when the sniffing takes place.

The actual sniff is the art like part... You should read this very carefully as this part is a little tricky.

First you should face the chair and gently tug simultaneously on each ear lobe twice before kneeling in front of the chair. Then you must perform a leg slapping and hand clapping ritual (this is in order to rid the chair of demons). To do this correctly you should, at a brisk pace, slap your legs once, clap your hands twice, slap you legs twice, clap twice, slap three times then clap once extra hard.
Once this is done you may proceed with the sniff... Lean forward slowly bowing your head toward the chair as you do so. You should ensure you exhale all the way down in order to guarantee that your lungs will be as empty as possible before the big intake of seating odours.
When your nose touches the seat in question stop... Inhale deeply, but slowly.
When your lungs are full sit back up straight exhaling quickly as you do so... Try to make a HAH! Sound as you do to prevent any demons returning.
A slap of the thighs and a clap of the hands and then you are done.

Try to remember that seat sniffing can be hazardous and should not be attempted without great care being taken to ensure that the seat to be sniffed has been emptied of all persons before sniffing commences.

Thank you for taking the time to read my instructions.

HAPPY SNIFFING!!!

[Alex]

i did manage to make it here after all reverend and i am very glad i did. I am enlighten about the whole sniffing area.

Have you ever thought about taking a collection during the service?

[wisewood]

So - if you would like to make a donation to the church of tuna... feel free to send cheque's / postal orders / cash / credit card detials to the following address...

24 Littlewood Way....
AS IF I WOULD
REALLY GIVE
YOU LOT
MY ADDRESS.

[nova_lad_uk]

wow im glad i came now !!! i have now lernt the propper method of sniffing seats!........ many years ago i learnt a old method of seat sniffing from the monks of big boi they tought me many things and inlightened me showing me how to meditate , cook bean and cat soup and of course a contriversial method of seat sniffing.
their method was particulalyhazadousas they belived in doing it to men and if for some reason they didnt wait for the bloke to get up it got rather imbarasing and could lead to violence!....

your method is far better so carry on preacing rev its good to be a member!

(please excuse grammer im a shite speller)

[ade]

I'm overwhelmed by seats occupied by lustrous ladies in my place of work.

To sniff one means to sniff all.

The problem is that the seats in question rotata around not only the ladies but the gents aswell who posess uncannily sweaty arses and due to the high quality fibre intake inpregnate the seat with deamons the like of which cannot be warded off by 100 thigh slaps and hand claps.

We actually have seat cleansing squads that come in and hygenically excorcise the seats due to excessive posession!

This unfortunatey spoile the art of correct seat sniffing.

Can I ask the reverend if he will be covering the ancient art of anal gas lighting in future sermons? I'd like to learn how not to singe your anal hair and sphincter in this act.

Ade
(walks with a squint)

[wisewood]

:D
If you would like ade - I will include it in next weeks school.

[Tilly]

How funny is that. Youve obviously been well educated wisewood

[wisewood]

just enough education to perform... :D

[Tilly]

OK 8)

[wisewood]

It's similar to the theory that if you take 1000 monkeys and give them a typewriter each - eventually one of them will type shakespear.

Only with me it is more like - well he is on his own in that office with that computer for so long - no wonder he is losing his marbles.

[nova_lad_uk]

lol

[jon_boy]

its 1000 monkeys 50 yrs to write war and peace aint it?? summin silly like that. you muxt be very bored at work! but guess wot rev? i had my first drivin lesson today and thru thinkin of TUNA he said excellent first lesson, far better than average, and let me drive all the way home! We love u TUNA!

[nova_lad_uk]

lol well done mate!

[jon_boy]

cheers mate! :D

[wisewood]

not so bored at work anymore as it is quite busy - but it has it's moments...

[jon_boy]

my work is always boring! work for a builder doing labouring. its poo. but it pays for me nova to be transformed into the raging rally beast that it will become. maybe. with a bit of luck. maybe not

[?Marty?]

You should try to expand the religion.

For example, you could set a religious word of the day e.g. arse-cheeks, or legs and send forth your flock of tuna worshippers to spread the word to every stranger they come accross. :lol:

Me? I'm an ethiest.

[wisewood]

All suggestions are welcome as I am working on the church of tuna web site at the moment. :D

[jon_boy]

LOL rev. but sot out the stickers cos i really want one! so where do u work? wot is it u actually do? (apart from lead a religious cult!)

[wisewood]

do you want the philosophical answer or the real one? lmao.

I work in an office in a warehouse.
I deal with all the administration and paperwork and monitoring of warehosue staff performance and stuff like that.
However, this is not just any warehouse - this warehosue contains around ?13MILLION worth of Beer, Wines, Spirits, Cider, Alco-Pops etc etc.
Not 13 million shop value though - 13 million is what it would cost the shop to buy it form us... so imagine what that would cost you in a shop...
There is some serious drink outside my office doors... :D

And no - I can't steal any, well... could, with a little careful planning.
AND NO - I can't get free stuff... I get 60 quid's worth of vouchers to spend at various restaurants, off licences and hotels around the country every three months though... Thresher, Beefeater, Travel Inn and Pizza Hut to name but a few.

SO there you go - I am a little (big) office tart.

It is starting to kick off ready for XMAS now - nothing big yet but you can see the swell coming. We are currently shipping about 25,000 cases per day, a normal day is around 18,000.
By end of october we should be doing around 30,000 and by december we will be shifting about 50,000 cases of booze a day (6 or 12 bottles in a case, with spirits and wine anyway).
Some serious drinking is done over XMAS.

[nova_lad_uk]

damn think off the P I S S up you could have with all that alcohol
are they giving away free samples lol

[wisewood]

YES MATE OF COURSE THEY ARE...

kids... these days..

lmao

[nova_lad_uk]

lol

[Alex]

I work part time as anadvisor (and shelf stacker) of bers, wines and spirits at my local Sainsburys. We are crapping ourselves as Xmas is always soooooo busy and we loads of theives to chase, which is fun.

[Tilly]

Hmmmm wine yummy. LOL @ monitoring staff performances

[nova_lad_uk]

lol dont they have security guards to do that????

[Alex]

not at our place. It funny as when we have a thief I set off the alarms and run off after them down the street/shop. I seem to be the only person in the shop who can turn off the alarms (which are loud) and so management have to wait until i get back to turn them off. We get a lot of customer complaints about the noise! :D

[Tilly]

and theyd be the first to complain if prices were so high because oof thieves

[Alex]

do you know what is worse though. In order to stop a thief you have to actaully see them conceal the bottle, make sure that they don't dump it, and then watch them walk out. If you dont see all three of these you can get sued and loose your job. Even if someone picks up a bottle right in front of me and puts it in their jacket i cannot do a thing. They can walk all round the shop, which means you have to waste your time watching them. They usually have partners and they keep passing it to each other and will walk out seperatly. If you stop the wrong one you can get in serious trouble. WHAT WANK LAWS WE HAVE.

[wisewood]

Tilly - why you laugh at monitoring staff perfomances?

[Tilly]

In what why u monitor at the end of the day u r wisewood can imagine your monitoring :)

[wisewood]

Basically the warehouse lads used to complain about the amount of work they were doing compared to some other staff in the warehouse so i devised a very clever spreadsheet which i enter the picking information into and it creates totals and charts and graphs and statistic and stuff on a day to day basis. They no longer argue and management can track performance over a set period of time.

I have recently set the spreadsheet up to calculate an estimated time for the work they have done, dependant on several factors and when we enter the actuall time it gives them a traffic light colour - green is for if they are working to within 101% of the estimated time, amber for between 101% and 108% and red if they go above that... so you can see who is not working as they should.

That is what i mean by monitoring.
Not, as i am sure some of you thought - staring at them in the showers... lmao. I am a bit twisted, but certainly not bent.

[nova_lad_uk]

yo Alex
those rules are w.a.n.k !
its a waste of time!

[Alex]

yes but it is fun watching some teenage punks get mouthy at you. I give it back and when they realise that i dont really care if i got sacked for going for them they soon back down. I hate theives. They can be fun though :)

[nova_lad_uk]

oi watch it!
im only 16 so that would make me a teenage punk lol
only kidding mate i dont go round nicking stuff like that!